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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26716465">between the lines</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/elysian/pseuds/cutaepatootae'>cutaepatootae (elysian)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Bodyguard, Denial of Feelings, Forbidden Love, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mystery, Nightmares, Sharing a Bed, Unresolved Sexual Tension, and soobin is very dense, basically soobin being frustratingly chivalrous, huening kai is very obvious, the resolution of sookai's UST that we've all been waiting for</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:40:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,997</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26716465</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/elysian/pseuds/cutaepatootae</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the one year that Soobin has worked for world-famous singer-songwriter-dancer Huening Kai, the last thing he expects to be distracted by is Kai’s stupidly dainty toes.  </p><p>“I didn’t know being your personal bodyguard warranted being your personal footstool as well,” Soobin comments, unsure of where to put his hands.</p><p>(or: kai is a singer, soobin is his bodyguard, and there's a mystery to solve)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Soobin/Huening Kai</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>125</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>382</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. this line (it's hard to climb)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>so last week i was enjoying my early morning cup of coffee when, suddenly, mercilessly, and entirely without warning, my brain was attacked by the Plot Bunny, and then i couldn't stop thinking about how awesome it would be to write bodyguard!soobin, and then... then this happened. </p><p>soobin is 23 in this fic, and kai is 21!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <em>Where’s the line?</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>It’s lonely here, but I’m fine </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Huening Kai’s acting weird.</p><p class="p1">He’s normally in high spirits during the insane amount of time it takes to prep him for the stage, so when Soobin slips into the Big Hit dressing room at the start of his shift and says “nice hair” at Kai’s wildly curled bangs, only to be met with troubled silence, Soobin immediately shifts to medium alert.</p><p class="p1">“What’s up?” he asks, casually.</p><p class="p1">“Nothing,” Kai just says, looking up at him through the mirror, a line dipping between his perfectly shaped eyebrows.</p><p class="p1">That’s the first sign.</p><p class="p1">The second sign is later, in the company van, as they make the journey to Inkigayo’s recording building. Kai normally spends the ride plugged into his headphones and snoozing, mouth parted hilariously, but today he’s kind of... twitching in his seat, like he’s seconds from combusting from what must either be some bizarre form of stage jitters or too much coffee. Kai doesn’t handle caffeine well. Soobin found that out the hard way, his first year working as Kai’s bodyguard. It had involved coffee and trampolines and Soobin nearly losing his mind attempting to bounce after Kai, who’d been <em>unstoppable</em>. Yeah. Definitely a memory for his highlight reel.</p><p class="p1">“Okay, what’s wrong?” Soobin asks, after he spends a minute trying to ignore Kai’s incessant twitching. “Did you drink too much coffee again?”</p><p class="p1">Kai breathes out a short laugh. “No,” he says. “I’m fine.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I’m fine? </em>
</p><p class="p1">Kai never says <em>I’m fine</em>.</p><p class="p1">That’s the third sign.</p><p class="p1">In the one year Soobin has worked as Kai’s personal bodyguard, he's made the observation that Kai’s usually either on the side of <em>My life is a disaster!!!</em> or on the other side of the spectrum of <em>I’m so happy, hyung, I could scream</em>. And then he actually does. Out the window. It’s half impressive and half extremely embarrassing, but then again Kai’s a world-famous solo singer-songwriter-dancer who can do whatever he wants, so. No one’s going to fault him for screaming happily out of a window — though there had been that one time with the cat, who’d been shocked so badly it almost fell off the side of the building.</p><p class="p1">Kai’s a lot more careful about checking for lifeforms near windows now.</p><p class="p1">“Ensuring the quality of your personal well-being is literally my job,” Soobin reminds him. “Tell me what’s bothering you. Please.”</p><p class="p1">Kai mumbles something, drowned out by the low rumble of wheels on asphalt.</p><p class="p1">“What?” Soobin says. Thunderclouds gather in the distance ahead. Ominous.</p><p class="p1">“Nothing.”</p><p class="p1">“That wasn’t nothing. You said something. I saw your mouth move.”</p><p class="p1">“You’re not even looking at me,” Kai says, a little fondly, which strikes Soobin as wildly offensive. He’s <em>always</em> looking at Kai. It’s his <em>job</em>. So what if he was checking the weather outside the window? He just needs to mentally prepare ahead of time whether he’ll have to grab the umbrella from the boot before escorting Kai out of the van later. Won’t be good to get rain on Kai’s hair and makeup. The stylists already tease him enough.</p><p class="p1">Soobin turns to look at Kai, who looks — good, as usual, but also not good. His face is as troubled as the skies ahead.</p><p class="p1">“You’ll tell me later?” Soobin tries.</p><p class="p1">“Later,” Kai promises, and then it starts pouring.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He’ll never admit it out loud, but Kai probably takes the cake for being the sweetest, nicest, most self-sacrificial idol Soobin has ever had the honour of guarding.</p><p class="p1">It’s not that Yeonjun wasn’t any of those things. But Yeonjun had always accepted Soobin’s assistance without question.</p><p class="p1">Kai on the other hand is always pushing the boundaries of what’s necessary and what’s not, which Soobin personally thinks is in actual fact completely unnecessary, but maybe a little endearing. <em>Go home, hyung</em>, Kai sometimes says, when shoots creep late into the early hours of the morning. <em>I can take care of myself. No one in their right minds will be out at this hour, anyway. </em></p><p class="p1"><em>It’s not the people in their right minds I’m protecting you against, </em>Soobin usually says in response. He always stays.</p><p class="p1">So that night, when Kai asks him to escort him not just to the lift lobby of his apartment building but straight to his door, Soobin‘s more than happy to do so.</p><p class="p1">“Is later now?” Soobin finally asks, when they’ve traipsed into the lift. Kai’s still a little bit twitchy <em>and</em> oddly clingy to boot, pressing close to him and vibrating like there’s a current running through his veins. He normally gets like that immediately after performing, but for him to still be vibrating like this now is... weird.</p><p class="p1">Something’s definitely up.</p><p class="p1">“Patience, hyung,” Kai says evasively.</p><p class="p1">“You’re being very weird about this,” Soobin remarks. “Should I be concerned?”</p><p class="p1">“Maybe.”</p><p class="p1">“What’s wrong?” Soobin asks, immediately shifting into high alert and lowering his hand to his belt, where he keeps his taser.</p><p class="p1">“Not <em>that</em>, hyung,” Kai says, laughing, placing a hand on Soobin’s forearm.</p><p class="p1">The lift doors open.</p><p class="p1">“What is it?” Soobin asks, struggling to keep his patience in check as they walk down the corridor towards Kai’s apartment.</p><p class="p1">“Come in,” Kai says, scanning his fingerprint to unlock the door.</p><p class="p1">Soobin halts in his tracks.</p><p class="p1">“Hyung?” Kai prompts, when Soobin doesn’t follow him in.</p><p class="p1">Technically, nothing in his contract says he can’t follow clients into their houses, but still. There’s a line, right? Why would a bodyguard ever need to enter the home of his client, unless it’s to protect him from, like, burglars?</p><p class="p1">Maybe there <em>are</em> burglars, just waiting behind the door to jump him.</p><p class="p1">Soobin’s hand subconsciously moves to his taser again.</p><p class="p1">Kai laughs, noticing Soobin’s hand. “What are you, like, planning to tackle my house plants?”</p><p class="p1">Right. Well, Kai housing burglars in his apartment seemed rather unlikely, anyway.</p><p class="p1">Soobin lowers his guard and toes his shoes off, stepping cautiously into Kai’s living room.</p><p class="p1">The first thing he notices are the plushies.</p><p class="p1">It’s kind of impossible not to notice them, given that they’re literally <em>everywhere</em>. On the couch. The TV console. The kitchen counters. And, improbably, in one of the pots of said house plants. It’s a bright green parrot plushie, Soobin realises, with great disconcertment. No doubt to match the plant.</p><p class="p1">“I got this in the mail,” Kai says, shoving a piece of paper at Soobin.</p><p class="p1">It says, in what looks like Arial, font size 12: <em>UR MINE</em></p><p class="p1">Soobin flips the paper. It’s blank on the other side.</p><p class="p1">“I mean, the least they could have done was use a nicer font and proper spelling,” Kai says, like he’s trying to make the situation lighter with humour. </p><p class="p1">Soobin frowns.</p><p class="p1">“Where’s the envelope it came in?” he asks.</p><p class="p1">“Here,” Kai says, picking it up from the table. It’s a nondescript envelope that Soobin recognises from basically every stationery shop in South Korea.</p><p class="p1">“Strange,” Soobin remarks.</p><p class="p1">“What?” Kai asks.</p><p class="p1">“Isn’t fan mail supposed to wax poetic about your beautiful eyes and, like, demand that you marry them immediately?”</p><p class="p1">“Uh,” Kai says, squinting.</p><p class="p1">“I’m kidding,” Soobin says. “Whoever sent this knows your address. That’s... problematic.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’s eyes go very, very large.</p><p class="p1">“I mean, it’s creepy, but it’s not that bad, right?” Kai says. “I was a little embarrassed to tell you about it earlier, which is why I thought showing you would be easier.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin slides the note back into the envelope. “I’ll keep this and report it to management,” he says. “Your address has been compromised. I’ll call for back-up.” He’ll probably call Taehyun, who’ll probably want to kill him. Oh well.</p><p class="p1">“Back up?”</p><p class="p1">“We’ll have to place a bodyguard at your door,” Soobin says. “Just extra precautions, until we figure out who’s behind this.”</p><p class="p1">“You’re scaring me,” Kai says, and the line between his brows is back.</p><p class="p1">Oh, god.</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry,” Soobin says, crossing the distance between them in two strides and touching Kai gently by the elbow. “Don’t worry. You’re right — it’s probably nothing. Just some weirdo.”</p><p class="p1">But it’s too late.</p><p class="p1">Kai’s eyes go as large as plates. His fists clench. He looks, ridiculously, like he’s about to A) pass out, or B) punch something. Maybe both.</p><p class="p1">“Am I going to be <em>murdered</em> in my <em>sleep</em>?” he whispers, exaggeratedly.</p><p class="p1">“No, you’re not —“</p><p class="p1">“What about my <em>plushies</em>?” Kai continues, just as dramatically.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t think —“</p><p class="p1">“Do you think they‘re watching me <em>literally</em>? Like, with a telescope? That’s what stalkers do, right? Spy on you through your windows and shit?” Kai glances nervously at the window.</p><p class="p1">“Kai!” Soobin says, using the voice he normally uses for barking orders into his in-ear transmitter. He takes Kai by the shoulders. “You’ll be fine.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh,” Kai says, deflating. He lowers his eyes, then looks at Soobin through his eyelashes. This close, he smells like the stage, like summer sweat, like the stray remnants of this morning’s cologne. This close, Soobin could count his eyelashes, if he wanted to. “You’ll protect me, right?”</p><p class="p1">Soobin has no idea why that makes his palms start sweating, but he sure as hell isn’t about to let Kai find out. He takes his hands back and steps backwards.</p><p class="p1">“You know I will,” he tells Kai.</p><p class="p1">“Will you stay the night?” Kai asks. He stuffs his hands into his pockets.</p><p class="p1">“Uh,” Soobin says, his brain clearly sorely unequipped for such a request.</p><p class="p1">“Never mind!” Kai squeaks, pushing Soobin back by the shoulders. “Ignore that!”</p><p class="p1">“Wait,” Soobin says, as Kai continues to push him backwards and, presumably, out the front door. “I can do that, if that makes you feel better?”</p><p class="p1">“No no no it’s okay,” Kai says. “No. It’s okay!” It almost sounds like a mantra. “I’m okay!”</p><p class="p1">Soobin puts his feet down and starts resisting. Kai struggles against him, planting his hands on his chest. “Really,” Soobin says. “It’s my job.”</p><p class="p1">“I don’t — I don’t even pay you OT,” Kai says, voice small. He’s looking at their feet.</p><p class="p1">“This isn’t some office 9-to-5,” Soobin says, amused. “Why would you pay me OT?”</p><p class="p1">“You barely get any time off,” Kai says.</p><p class="p1">“I get Sundays off,” Soobin reminds Kai. “You don’t even get the weekends to yourself, you’re so busy.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s different,” Kai says, looking up, fire in his eyes. “I want you to have a life.”</p><p class="p1">“Bold of you to assume I don’t already have one,” Soobin says, raising an eyebrow.</p><p class="p1">Kai shoots him a dark look. “You don’t.”</p><p class="p1">“Hey!”</p><p class="p1">“I know walking Sean in the park might seem good enough, but that’s not a <em>life</em>,” Kai informs Soobin haughtily.</p><p class="p1">“Rude,” Soobin says. “Bodyguarding is a very stressful job. Walking Sean helps me unwind!”</p><p class="p1">“Well, Sean’s waiting,” Kai says, trying to push against Soobin’s chest again. “Ugh, why are you so — <em>solid?</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Let me call Beomgyu, and then I’ll stay the night, okay?” Soobin says, trying not to let the amusement creep into his voice.</p><p class="p1">“Hyung,” Kai whines.</p><p class="p1">“I’ll need a change of clothes and a bed,” Soobin says, using his authoritative voice again.</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” Kai says meekly, and goes.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">In the one year he’s serviced Kai, the last thing he expects to be distracted by is Kai’s toes.</p><p class="p1">Kai is widely adored around the world for his very many exceptional attributes — his angelic voice, his meaningful, sometimes heart-wrenching lyrics, his dancing. His beautiful eyes, the curve of his lips, the breadth of his shoulders. The Kai of yesteryears, according to the family photos framed up on the TV console that Soobin might or might not have stared at a little too fondly while Kai showered in the bathroom, was <em>tiny</em>. Soobin had always been too tall for his age, so it’s a struggle to wrap his brain around how a human being can possibly grow that much.</p><p class="p1">In any case, Kai’s adolescent growth spurt means there’s a lot of Kai to be appreciated. It also means Soobin’s sudden and all-consuming fixation on Kai’s bare feet is just — just <em>weird</em>.</p><p class="p1">But is it really his fault, when Kai’s feet look so dainty? Almost too fragile for the kinds of choreography Soobin has seen him execute, to be honest.</p><p class="p1">It doesn’t help that said feet are also on his lap.</p><p class="p1">“I didn’t know being your personal bodyguard warranted being your personal footstool as well,” Soobin comments, unsure of where to put his hands.</p><p class="p1">“Well, this is how I lie down on the couch, and you happen to be here,” Kai mumbles from beneath his phone. If just-got-off-the-stage Kai smelled nice, though a little stale, freshly-showered Kai smells even nicer. Which doesn’t even make sense, because they just used the same body soap, but — for the strangest reasons, it smells different on Kai. Better.</p><p class="p1">Yup. He’s definitely going bonkers.</p><p class="p1">“This also happens to be my bed for the night,” Soobin informs Kai. “That <em>I</em> should be lying down in. And sleeping.”</p><p class="p1">Kai peeks out from behind his phone. “Come lie down then,” he says, straight-faced.</p><p class="p1">“I — you — there’s not enough space,” Soobin says, weakly.</p><p class="p1">“Sure there is,” Kai says, a touch coy.</p><p class="p1">Soobin finally settles for folding his arms awkwardly.</p><p class="p1">“Come on, hyung,” Kai says, now a little whiny. “Do you always have to be so... so <em>professional</em>?”</p><p class="p1">“This is kind of my job,” Soobin reminds Kai.</p><p class="p1">“But,” Kai says, a little hesitant. “We’re friends. Right?”</p><p class="p1">Soobin blinks. “I... guess.”</p><p class="p1">“I <em>guess</em>?” Kai echoes, indignant.</p><p class="p1">“Yes,” Soobin says hastily. “No. I mean. Yes! We’re friends!”</p><p class="p1">Kai pouts. He looks ridiculous.</p><p class="p1">Maybe a little cute.</p><p class="p1">But mostly ridiculous.</p><p class="p1">“You should go to sleep soon,” Soobin says, when the silence stretches on a little too long. “You have a 6am tomorrow.”</p><p class="p1">Kai stretches lazily, toes going all pointy in Soobin’s lap. Soobin refuses to stare. “Okay <em>dad</em>,” he snarks.</p><p class="p1">“Friend,” Soobin corrects, and tries not to notice the way Kai smiles in response, small and pleased.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>Sending you all the signs </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>But this line, it’s hard to climb</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Fanmeets stress Soobin out.</p><p class="p1">Most fans are civil, really, but some fans can be a little crazy. Crazy nervous. Crazy in love. And just plain crazy — especially the fans who address their love letters to him. Not Kai. <em>Him</em>. Choi Soobin. Bodyguard to global pop sensation Huening Kai. He’s a nobody. Why on <em>earth</em> are people giving him love letters?</p><p class="p1"><em>You have really cute dimples</em> one of them reads. Okay. He’ll take that. He likes his dimples too.</p><p class="p1"><em>You and Kai look so cute together!</em> another one says. Soobin frowns. What does that even... mean?</p><p class="p1"><em>You’re so handsome and cool &lt;3 </em>say a few others.</p><p class="p1">The worst thing is, Kai won’t stop laughing at him every time it happens.</p><p class="p1">“Stop that,” Soobin hisses, when the sixth — seventh? He’s lost count — fan shyly hands him a letter and stands there, starry-eyed, while Kai laughs obnoxiously at Soobin.</p><p class="p1">“It’s true, you know,” Kai says casually, after gesturing for Soobin to come nearer so he canwhisper it into Soobin’s ear. “You are handsome and cool.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin clears his throat and doesn’t respond in his valiant attempt not to turn beetroot.</p><p class="p1">He receives 37 letters by the end of the fanmeet, which isn’t much compared to the 592 letters Kai receives (Soobin knows, because he’d kept a mental count as Kai passed him the letters for safety checks), but still. It’s a record number of letters addressed to him since he started working for Kai.</p><p class="p1">“The fans love you,” Kai remarks, as Soobin ushers him through the corridors after the fanmeet ends. “We might need to get a bodyguard for you too.”</p><p class="p1">“Good thing we have Taehyun and Jaehoon then,” Soobin says, amused.</p><p class="p1">They’re nearing the exit of the building, and already Soobin can hear the chattering of fans crowding near the exit for one last glimpse of Kai.</p><p class="p1">“All clear?” he asks into his in-ear.</p><p class="p1">“Clear,” Taehyun says.</p><p class="p1">“Clear,” Jaehoon says as well.</p><p class="p1">“Okay, approaching,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p1">Kai perks up and walks ahead with a little bounce in his step. It’s been a year since he debuted, but the novelty of meeting his fans clearly hasn’t worn off on him yet.</p><p class="p1">They exit, and Kai raises his hand to wave, andthen Soobin sees it. Someone’s hand, holding up a lightstick. That by itself isn’t out of the ordinary, so it’s purely out of instinct and years of training that he darts forward anyway, just in time to shield Kai from the lightstick that soars through the air and hits Soobin on the shoulder instead.</p><p class="p1">It bounces off and shatters upon hitting the ground.</p><p class="p1">Kai startles.</p><p class="p1">“Come on,” Soobin says brusquely, bringing a hand to Kai’s back and basically shoving him into the van, where it’s safe. God. Some fans are crazy, and not in a good way.</p><p class="p1">Soobin slams the door, and the cheers of the fans immediately go mute.</p><p class="p1">“Oh my god, you’re bleeding,” Kai gasps, bringing a hand to Soobin’s shoulder. The shoulder of his shirt’s a little torn where the lightstick must have cracked and scratched him, and there’s a small smear of blood that, slowly, expands across his sleeve.</p><p class="p1">“It’s okay,” Soobin grunts, rolling his sleeve up to inspect the wound. It’s just a small scratch, nothing a little time won’t heal, but from the way Kai goes frantic with worry, it's almost like he'd lost an arm.</p><p class="p1">“I’m so sorry,” Kai gasps, fingers flitting over Soobin’s shoulder, one hand clutching his bicep. “Oh my god. Here — Beomgyu? Do we have a first aid kit?”</p><p class="p1">Beomgyu hands it over from the front seat. “He’s been through worse, he’ll be fine,” he says, quirking an eyebrow at Soobin. “Thanks, Soobinie. I can always count on you.”</p><p class="p1">“My pleasure,” Soobin says, quirking his lips in a smile. He’s worked with Beomgyu for years now, as the power manager-bodyguard duo — together with Yeonjun, at first, and now together with Kai.</p><p class="p1">“I’m really sorry,” Kai says, sounding wrecked, tearing open an alcohol swab with shaking hands.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not your fault,” Soobin says, settling back into the seat as the van starts off. “Just a small scratch.”</p><p class="p1">“But,” Kai says, brows drawn together. “You’re hurt.”</p><p class="p1">“Don’t worry about it,” Soobin says, turning to look at Kai, who’s cleaning his scratch with great care. “You don’t have to — I can clean it myself.”</p><p class="p1">“Let me, please,” Kai murmurs, swiping delicately at the cut.</p><p class="p1">“O-okay,” Soobin says, heart thrumming from what must be the remnants of leftover adrenaline, and lets Kai clean up the blood and stick a plaster over the cut. Kai‘s biting his bottom lip the way he does whenever he’s upset, and Soobin refuses to examine why he notices these things. Probably just an occupational hazard from spending nearly all his time looking out for Kai.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t ever want you to get hurt,” Kai says lowly, so soft Soobin nearly doesn’t hear him over the sound of the engine. Kai rolls Soobin’s sleeve back down but doesn’t let go of Soobin’s arm, just peers up at him after he’s done.</p><p class="p1">“Better me than you,” is all Soobin manages to say, and he doesn’t know why it comes out breathless.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">For a bodyguard, Soobin knows he’s paid more handsomely than most.</p><p class="p2">He knows why, but it pains him to think about it, so he just accepts it silently and makes sure he does an excellent job at being Kai’s bodyguard.</p><p class="p2">In any case, he’s perfectly happy with his salary, which is why he has to stop himself from raising both eyebrows in utter disbelief when Beomgyu goes: “Hey, so, upper management’s offering to double your pay if you move in with Kai.”</p><p class="p2">“What,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p2">“Your salary,” Beomgyu says, slowly, like he’s speaking to a child, which Soobin doesn’t really appreciate. “Multiplied by two. If you pack your stuff and stay in Kai’s apartment. Basically 24/7 duty. Until they figure out how Kai’s address got leaked and find the culprit.”</p><p class="p2">“What about guarding his door?” Soobin asks.</p><p class="p2">“They figure it’s better to have you inside. In case someone tries to, you know, break in through other means.”</p><p class="p2">Kai lives on the twelfth floor, so Soobin highly doubts anyone will be scaling his building to break in through the window, but then again. The first lesson he learnt was to never underestimate fans, especially the crazy ones.</p><p class="p2">“Is Kai okay with this... arrangement?” Soobin asks, glancing at Kai, who’s warming up his vocals on the other side of the room in preparation for his performance later.</p><p class="p2">“Oh,“ Beomgyu says. “He requested for it."</p><p class="p2">This time, Soobin does raise his eyebrows. Kai must be more unnerved by the letter than he’d thought.</p><p class="p2">“You’ll still have your Sundays off,” Beomgyu continues. “So you’ll get off work on Saturday nights and return on Sunday night.”</p><p class="p2">“Who’s watching him on Saturday nights?”</p><p class="p2">“We’ll alternate between Taehyun and Jaehoon,” Beomgyu says.</p><p class="p2">Kai‘s distinctive laughter echoes through the room — he’s looking at the phone of one of his backup dancers, probably laughing at a stupid meme or something, and Soobin can’t help his lips twitching.</p><p class="p2">Yeah. Watching over Kai day <em>and</em> night doesn’t seem so terrible if he gets to hear Kai laugh like that more.</p><p class="p2">“Okay,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p2">“Great,” Beomgyu says, pulling out his tablet. “I’ve already drawn up the contract, so you just need to sign here.”</p><p class="p2">“Wow,” Soobin says. “Someone’s confident.”</p><p class="p2">“Please.” Beomgyu rolls his eyes. “You’re already whipped backwards and under for Kai. There’s no way you were gonna say no.”</p><p class="p2">“Hey,” Soobin protests, scrawling his signature on the screen. “I’m just good at what I do.”</p><p class="p2">“Too good,” Beomgyu says, accepting the tablet Soobin hands back. There’s a short pause, and then he says: “Tread carefully, Soobinie.”</p><p class="p2">“I always do,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p2">“Don’t lead him on.”</p><p class="p2">“There’s nothing to lead on.”</p><p class="p2">“You’re supposed to be the observant one,” Beomgyu says. “You’ve seen the way he looks at you.”</p><p class="p2">“You mean, like, with the crazy eyes?” Soobin asks, thinking back to all the times Kai tried, for unfathomable reasons, to imitate a seagull‘s expression for Soobin’s viewing pleasure.</p><p class="p2">Beomgyu sighs. “He’s writing a new song. Guess what it’s about.”</p><p class="p2">“The ever-relatable pain of unrequited love?” Soobin guesses drily.</p><p class="p2">“Go figure,” Beomgyu says. “Go home and get packed. Taehyun’ll cover you tonight. I’ll see you at Kai’s place later.”</p><p class="p2">“Yes sir,” Soobin says, saluting, and laughs when Beomgyu flips him off.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. i'd give my life for you (and you for me)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Soobin likes to think his three years training as a bodyguard was very holistic, but he’s pretty sure no chapter in his bodyguard manual ever said: In the event of near-suffocation by your client, practise discretion.</p><p>(or: kai is a solo artist, soobin is his bodyguard, and there's a mystery to solve)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>a rather short, extremely soft update idk i just rly wanted to write sleepy sookai sharing a bed, it's been a stressful week!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <em>I’d give my life for you</em><br/>
<em>And you for me</em><br/>
<em>But the lines are blurred</em><br/>
<em>Aren’t they, honey?</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">After one year, Soobin likes to think he’s a master Kai-whisperer — he can usually kind of surmise what Kai's feeling from his little telltale quirks, like the way he chews his lip or furrows his brows when he’s uncomfortable; the way he buzzes and can’t quite stop moving around when he’s nervous; the way he uses laughter as a shield when he’s shy.</p><p class="p1">But nothing quite prepares him for sleepy, unguarded, disheveled Kai.</p><p class="p1">It’s past one in the morning, and Soobin’s in that weird limbo between sleep and consciousness in which he sometimes has very odd mental conversations with himself (tonight’s topic is about, bizarrely, parrots — he suspects it has something to do with the parrot plushie staring at him from its plant pot on the other side of the living room), when Kai shuffles out of his bedroom and stands there, pensively, in the middle of the living room.</p><p class="p1">“... Kai?” Soobin murmurs, cracking open an eye.</p><p class="p1">“I can’t sleep,” Kai whines. Flat out. Whines. He has a dolphin plushie wedged protectively in the crook of his elbow, and he’s rubbing his eyes with his other hand, and even in the darkness of the living room, faintly lit up only by the glow of streetlight diffused through the curtains, Soobin’s traitorous brain can’t help but process this information and think: <em>cute</em>.</p><p class="p1">Of course Kai is cute. It’s a natural pre-requisite of stardom — all idols are either cute or hot or both. Kai usually belongs to the latter of double-whammy attractiveness, but right now? Right now he’s just <em>fucking</em> cute, hair falling into his eyes, eyes all squinty, and — and these are things Soobin absolutely cannot be thinking, god, he needs to wake up right now.</p><p class="p1">“What’s wrong?” Soobin asks, sitting up.</p><p class="p1">“There’s a window in my bedroom,” Kai says. Soobin can practically hear his pout.</p><p class="p1">“Is it bolted shut?” Soobin asks.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, but...” Kai trails off. “Can you sleep with me?”</p><p class="p1">Soobin blinks rapidly.</p><p class="p1">“It’s just, I’m just,” Kai stutters.</p><p class="p1">“It’s okay, I get it,” Soobin says, standing up. “You have a spare mattress?”</p><p class="p1">“Ah,” Kai says, in a tone of voice that says that he most certainly does not.</p><p class="p1">“I can sleep on the floor,” Soobin offers.</p><p class="p1">“My bed’s a king,” Kai interjects.</p><p class="p1">In the dim light, Kai fiddles with the tail of his dolphin plushie, and Soobin wonders faintly if this is what Beomgyu meant by not leading Kai on.</p><p class="p1">But his imperative is to protect Kai, and if staying by his side helps him sleep in peace, then he’s damn well going to stay by his side, even if that means sharing a bed. Soobin nods once, short, and follows Kai into his bedroom.</p><p class="p1">This is, beyond a doubt, definitely not part of the contract, but Soobin’s always been good at going above and beyond.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, god,” Kai suddenly says, stopping short, and then flinging himself at his bed. “Sorry!”</p><p class="p1">Soobin watches in amusement as Kai, with utmost care, piles what looks like approximately 2,473,927,382 plushies into his arms, before settling them gently on his dresser. Some of them wobble precariously.</p><p class="p1">“I knew you liked plushies, but I didn’t know you were ruling a kingdom of them in your own home,” Soobin comments.</p><p class="p1">“They’re cute,” Kai says defensively, and Soobin’s deceitful brain can’t help thinking <em>you’re cute too</em>.</p><p class="p1">He blames it on the late-night grogginess.</p><p class="p1">“Sometimes it gets lonely,” Kai continues, a little too honestly.</p><p class="p1">Oh.</p><p class="p1">Yeonjun used to complain about feeling lonely too, used to wonder out loud what it would be like to have debuted with a group instead, with members he could trust and fall back on for support.</p><p class="p1">Soobin and Beomgyu ended up being those pillars of support, and it had worked. While it lasted.</p><p class="p1">“Now you have me,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Kai says. He laughs once, soft, and it almost sounds a little mocking. “Now I have you.”</p><p class="p1">He sits down on the bed, on the side further away from the window, so Soobin heads over to the other side and sits down gingerly too. The sheets rustle behind him in the quiet blanket of darkness, Kai getting comfortably horizontal, and then:</p><p class="p1">“Hyung?”</p><p class="p1">“Hm?” Soobin says, studying the window latch. It looks a little rickety. He makes a mental note to get Beomgyu to arrange for its replacement tomorrow.</p><p class="p1">“You’re not planning to just sit there all night, are you?”</p><p class="p1">“Bossy,” Soobin comments, but he slides in and lies down next to Kai.</p><p class="p1">“Thanks for doing this,” Kai mumbles.</p><p class="p1">“That’s what I’m here for,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p1">“... yeah,” Kai says. He sounds strangely disappointed, though Soobin doesn’t have the faintest idea why.</p><p class="p1">“Good night, Kai,” Soobin says, turning so he’s facing the window, ready for any wall-scaling crazies.</p><p class="p1">“Good night,” Kai replies, and it doesn’t take long for his breaths to peter out and deepen with sleep.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Soobin wakes up to the <em>pitter-patter</em> of rain against the window. He suffers a brief moment of disorientation — where is he, why is his mattress so soft, and why on earth is his back so <em>warm</em>? — before snapping to an acceptable level of consciousness.</p><p class="p1">He realises three things in the short span of time it takes for his befuddled brain to rouse awake.</p><p class="p1">One, he’s in Kai’s bed.</p><p class="p1">Two, he’s somehow lost his side of the covers overnight.</p><p class="p1">Three, said covers have been replaced, distressingly, by Kai’s arm, wrapped loosely around his waist.</p><p class="p1">Soobin doesn’t make it a habit to sleep around, but even on the rare occasion he wakes up with another warm body in his bed, he’s normally the big spoon, so — so this is <em>unforgivable</em>.</p><p class="p1">He’ll never admit it out loud, but this is also absurdly comfortable.</p><p class="p1">Kai shifts drowsily, nuzzling the back of his neck, and Soobin briefly considers throwing himself out of the window. If Beomgyu ever caught wind of this, he’d either be the laughing stock of the century or dead meat.</p><p class="p1">Soobin cranes his neck up to look at the clock on Kai’s bedside table. 07:43, SATURDAY blinks innocently at him. Did Kai say he had a morning schedule today? Or Beomgyu? Soobin can’t recall.</p><p class="p1">“Kai?” Soobin tries. No response. He pats the back of Kai’s hand, hanging loosely around his waist, and says, a little louder: “Kai-ya.”</p><p class="p1">“Mmrph,” Kai says groggily, breath ghosting across the back of Soobin’s neck. </p><p class="p1">“What time do you have to wake up?” Soobin asks, swallowing.</p><p class="p1">“Wha —?” Kai mumbles. “Wha’time’sit?”</p><p class="p1">“7.45.”</p><p class="p1">“Mm,” Kai says, whiny. “‘s’too early. I’on’t have schedules this mornin’.”</p><p class="p1">Then Kai tightens the arm around Soobin’s waist and pulls him in even closer, palming his stomach and pressing his nose against the back of Soobin’s neck.</p><p class="p1">Soobin can feel every breath that Kai takes, fluttering over his skin.</p><p class="p1">God it’s <em>hot</em>.</p><p class="p1">Does he — does he just go back to sleep, then? What is one supposed to do in a situation like this? Soobin likes to think his three years training as a bodyguard was very holistic, but he’s pretty sure no chapter in his bodyguard manual ever said: In the event of near-suffocation by your client, practise discretion.</p><p class="p1">“Kai...” Soobin says again.</p><p class="p1">“Hm?”</p><p class="p1">“I need to pee,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p1">“No,” Kai mumbles.</p><p class="p1">“You want me to wet your bed then?”</p><p class="p1">“Mm,” Kai says, sounding, disturbingly, not at all disturbed by the threat.</p><p class="p1">“Come <em>on</em>,” Soobin says, exasperated, attempting to extricate himself from Kai’s arms.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Nooo</em>,” Kai repeats, cutely, flailing his arms and managing to hit Soobin in the armpit.</p><p class="p1">“You’re — this is absurd,” Soobin says, weakly, giving up against the brunt of Kai’s octopus arms and sleepy aegyo charms.</p><p class="p1">“You’re supposed to protect me,” Kai says, muffled into Soobin’s hair now, where he’s scooted even more achingly close than ever. “You can’t protect me in the toilet.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s just ridiculous and you know it,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p1">“Mmhm,” Kai agrees, happily. He knows he’s won, the cheeky brat.</p><p class="p1">“Ten minutes,” Soobin says, trying to regain at least some semblance of control in the situation.</p><p class="p1">“Whatever you say, hyung,” Kai tries to say, except his words stretch into a yawn, and Soobin tells himself the heat he feels in his face must be the aftermath of Kai’s warm morning breath against the back of his head, and then he closes his eyes, biting back a smile, and lets the <em>pitter-patter</em> of the morning rain and Kai’s slow breaths lull him back to sleep.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Ten minutes turn into thirty, and thirty minutes turn into three hours, and they end up waking up at half past ten, Soobin throwing himself out of bed because he <em>really</em> wasn’t kidding about needing to pee. Kai whines piteously about needing his bolster back — since when was Soobin downgraded from bodyguard to <em>bolster</em>? — so Soobin mercilessly throws Kai’s covers off the bed and tickles him until he wakes up fully, cursing and laughing in equal measure.</p><p class="p1">Kai makes pancakes for breakfast, and they end up with batter on both their faces as they attempt to make the most heinous of pancake shapes with a spatula and blueberries. They’re sitting at the table inhaling said heinously-shaped pancakes when Kai asks: “Do you want to watch a movie?”</p><p class="p1">“Don’t you have training?” Soobin asks, shovelling what he thinks is supposed to be a star-shaped pancake into his mouth. Yum.</p><p class="p1">“Practice starts at three,” Kai says. “I’m supposed to have vocal training at noon but the instructor just called in sick.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh,” Soobin says. He scours his brain for interesting movie suggestions and, distressingly but unsurprisingly, comes up empty.</p><p class="p1">“I’ve been meaning to watch <em>Parasite</em> for awhile,” Kai says.</p><p class="p1">Soobin gapes. “You mean you <em>haven’t</em>?”</p><p class="p1">“I’ve been busy!” Kai says, flapping his hands defensively, and that’s how they spend the afternoon streaming <em>Parasite</em> from Kai’s couch, Kai’s feet perfunctorily propped up on Soobin’s lap again. It sends Soobin into a spiral of <em>oh-god-where-do-I-put-my-hands </em>and noticing, agonisingly, the way Kai’s toes clench during particularly suspenseful moments.</p><p class="p1">It's very distracting.</p><p class="p1">Halfway through, Kai finally sits upright like a normal person, so Soobin takes this opportunity to breathe — until Kai scoots close to him again, pressing flush against him from shoulder to thigh, and then Soobin forgets how to breathe all over again.</p><p class="p1">Kai stays painfully close for the remainder of the movie, and when it finally ends, he doesn’t shift away, just stretches indolently and asks: “Wanna order in?”</p><p class="p1">Soobin thinks to the mess of unwashed dishes and baking appliances in the kitchen sink and says: “Probably a good idea.”</p><p class="p1">It’s halfway through their lunch order of seafood stew, gimbap and bingsu when Kai asks, a little shyly: “Are you still friends with Yeonjun-sunbaenim?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Soobin says around a mouthful of tofu. Yeonjun still sends Beomgyu and Soobin occasional selfies and texts about his latest crazy dance choreographies, which Soobin and Beomgyu both try their best, in their limited manager-bodyguard capabilities, to appreciate. Sometimes they meet to catch up, at a once-in-a-blue-moon kind of frequency.</p><p class="p1">“Ah.” Kai fiddles with his chopsticks. “You worked with him for two years, right?”</p><p class="p1">“Almost two, until — well, you know what happened.”</p><p class="p1">Kai nods. “Is he okay now?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, he’s okay. He’s happy.”</p><p class="p1">Yeonjun’s living his life as a choreographer in one of Seoul’s biggest dance studios now, despite Big Hit’s every attempt to retain him in the company.</p><p class="p1">“I’m glad,” Kai says, still fiddling with his chopsticks, and then asks: “Are <em>you</em> happy?”</p><p class="p1">An enoki mushroom takes a surprise joyride down Soobin’s throat and he spends the next few seconds choking. He can already see it scrawled on his headstone: Choi Soobin, death by enoki.</p><p class="p1">Innocently, Kai spoons a bite of rice into his mouth.</p><p class="p1">“Why —“ Soobin finally rasps, before coughing one last time for good measure. “Why do you ask?”</p><p class="p1">“I mean... I think I’d take it personally if you didn’t like your job,” Kai says, looking down at his seafood stew.</p><p class="p1">Soobin chews anxiously.</p><p class="p1">“So you should tell me,” Kai says, looking up, suddenly intense. “If you aren’t, you know. Happy. Especially with this —“ He gestures to the room at large, then himself, then Soobin. “— arrangement.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m not — I’m fine,” Soobin says. Kai’s face falls. “Happy!” Soobin quickly corrects himself. “I’m happy!”</p><p class="p1">Kai frowns at him.</p><p class="p1">“I really am,” Soobin says, faltering. “Does it look like I’m not?”</p><p class="p1">“I,” Kai says, “I don’t know. I can’t tell.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin’s the type of person to draw very, very clear boundaries between work and leisure. Even with Yeonjun, he’d maintained a certain distance, both emotionally and physically, for the sake of professionalism. They were friends, sure, but they were idol-bodyguard first. Yeonjun was expected to take instruction from Soobin when necessity called for it, and Soobin was expected to lay down his life for Yeonjun, if it ever came to that.</p><p class="p1">Clearly, all that professionalism had flown out the window the moment Kai came into the picture.</p><p class="p1">“I’m happy,” Soobin repeats. “And I enjoy being your bodyguard, Huening-ah.” He pauses. “Though I think I’d enjoy it more if you’d stop hogging the covers.”</p><p class="p1">Kai goes red, and then he’s stuffing his mouth with gimbap and mumbling: “It won’t happen again.”</p><p class="p1">“Again?” Soobin echoes. “Is our — uh, our sleeping arrangement a permanent... thing?”</p><p class="p1">Kai‘s flush deepens.</p><p class="p1">“Because we’re getting your window locks replaced later today, so you don’t have to worry about...” Soobin trails off at the way Kai starts looking like he’s seconds away from combustion by embarrassment. Of <em>course</em>. He’s obviously still freaked by the letter. “Um. But if it makes you feel safer, I don’t mind. Sleeping. With you.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin feels his ears go as hot as the first batch of pancakes they’d accidentally burnt to a crisp that morning.</p><p class="p1">So much for being professional.</p><p class="p1">Beomgyu’s going to have his <em>head</em>.</p><p class="p1">“Cool,” Kai says, looking everywhere but at Soobin.</p><p class="p1">“Cool,” Soobin says, swallowing. “So, um. Do you want the last gimbap?”</p><p class="p1">“You can have it,” Kai squeaks.</p><p class="p1">“Thanks,” Soobin says, and practically flings it into his mouth.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>I’d give my heart to you</em><br/>
<em>And you to me</em><br/>
<em>Except the latter </em><br/>
<em>Only happens in my wildest dreams</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The second letter comes when Soobin resumes his duties on Sunday evening. It comes, once again, in the same envelope, and follows the same consistently irritating manner of typing.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>IM WATCHING U BABY</em>
</p><p class="p1">“I <em>told</em> you,” Kai says, pulling the living room curtains shut with enough force to nearly bring the entire rack down. “<em>Telescopes</em>!”</p><p class="p1">“I don’t think they mean it quite that literally,” Soobin says, trying to sound reassuring, but honestly he can’t be too sure. He takes a photo of the letter, files it carefully, and sends Beomgyu a quick text to keep him informed.</p><p class="p1"><em>Noted</em>, Beomgyu’s reply says. <em>Is he worried?</em></p><p class="p1">Soobin glances up at Kai, who’s pacing the room so fast he can practically see the wood smoking beneath his feet.</p><p class="p1"><em>Yeah</em>, he texts back.</p><p class="p1"><em>Distract him</em>, Beomgyu responds. <em>Keep him in good spirits for the last round of promotions</em>.</p><p class="p1"><em>Got it</em>, Soobin types.</p><p class="p1"><em>Tell him he’s in good hands — yours </em>😉, Beomgyu texts back.</p><p class="p1"><em>That sounds vaguely flirtatious</em>, Soobin replies.</p><p class="p1"><em>You’re right</em>, Beomgyu responds. <em>No handsing around! </em></p><p class="p1">Soobin rolls his eyes and pockets his phone.</p><p class="p1">The third letter comes one week later, after Kai’s promotions end. The fourth, fifth and sixth blur into each other, all along similar lines of things only crazy possessive stalkers would say, and Kai gets more and more uneasy until one night, Soobin jolts awake to Kai having a nightmare.</p><p class="p1">He spends a second blinking into the darkness of the room, listening carefully; there it is — Kai whimpering softly behind him.</p><p class="p1">Soobin hesitates.</p><p class="p1">Kai moans again.</p><p class="p1">Soobin turns in Kai’s now familiar embrace, placing a gentle hand on Kai’s hip.</p><p class="p1">“Kai?” Soobin whispers.</p><p class="p1">Kai’s breathing goes harsh.</p><p class="p1">“Kai,” Soobin says, a little louder, moving his hand up to Kai’s shoulder and squeezing.</p><p class="p1">Kai gasps, eyes shooting open, dark with night-time fear.</p><p class="p1">“Hyung?” he breathes.</p><p class="p1">“It’s me,” Soobin says, keeping his voice calm, measured, hiding the worry vibrating somewhere beneath his ribcage. “You were having a nightmare.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh,” Kai says, sucking in a quick breath. “I — yeah, I think so. Sorry. Did I wake you?” He shudders, as though reliving the nightmare, and turns away from Soobin, curling in on himself.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not your fault,” Soobin says to the back of Kai’s head, and his chest aches.</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry,” Kai repeats.</p><p class="p1">“Do you wanna talk about it?”</p><p class="p1">A pause. “I... I don’t remember much. I just — I remember being scared. I<em> am </em>scared.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin has never really known the abject feeling of failure until now. He’s supposed to protect Kai, make him feel safe. What’s the point of him doing 24/7 duty when he can’t even make Kai <em>feel</em> protected, no less actually protect him?</p><p class="p1">Soobin scoots over, gathering Kai in his arms, the feeling building beneath his ribcage. He wants to cover Kai with his body. Shield him from his anxieties. <em>I’m here for you</em>, he tries to project. <em>I have your back, always</em>. Kai’s hair tickles his nose, and Kai’s spine stiffens when Soobin pulls him gently towards him, lining their bodies together, chest to hip.</p><p class="p1">“You're safe now,” Soobin tries. </p><p class="p1">Kai sighs, his whole body going pliant in Soobin’s embrace.</p><p class="p1">“I know,” Kai murmurs.</p><p class="p1">“I’m here,” Soobin says. “I’ll always be here.”</p><p class="p1">“This... isn't the first time," Kai whispers. "I usually only get nightmares when you’re not around."</p><p class="p1">Soobin pauses, brain whirring. “Saturday nights?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah.”</p><p class="p1">“Kai...”</p><p class="p1">“I know,” Kai says. “I just — I’m not as close to Taehyun or Jaehoon, so it feels weird to let them in. I don’t know. I just. I like sleeping with you, hyung. It’s bad when you’re not around.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin stops breathing. It isn’t the confession that does it for Soobin. It’s the honesty.</p><p class="p1">“I’m not asking you to stay on Saturday nights,” Kai adds, quickly. “I. I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry.”</p><p class="p1">“Stop apologising,” Soobin says. He sighs. “Anyway, your world tour starts next week. You’ll be safely out of the country.”</p><p class="p1">Kai laughs softly. “Honestly, I can’t wait,” he murmurs, and then he’s lacing his fingers with Soobin’s, wrapped around his waist. “Thank you.”</p><p class="p1">“It’s my pleasure,” Soobin says, warm, and swallows the surge of protectiveness and something else, a foreign yet all too familiar feeling, that builds and builds and builds in his chest until he feels like he might explode, messy, all over Kai's bed. </p><p class="p1">Kai sighs, sounding content this time, less scared, and wiggles back into Soobin’s embrace, humming appreciatively. When he falls back asleep, Soobin knows.</p><p class="p1">He doesn’t sleep a wink that night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. what if i can't have you (but want to)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>When Kai licks his lips before parting them to sing the chorus, Soobin notices. When Kai slinks around him in a way that can only be described as seductive, Soobin notices. When Kai curls his lips in a wicked, teasing grin, Soobin notices.</p><p>Soobin doesn’t want to notice the way his stomach curls in anticipation for what can never happen.</p><p>(or: kai is a solo artist, soobin is his bodyguard, and there's a mystery to solve)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this chapter is mainly a huge heaping of UST plus a laughable attempt at plot development... aha...... please enjoy!!! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <em>How do I draw the line </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>When you’re next to me every night?</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You get it so good,” Taehyun says, sighing and taking a swig of his beer. “At least you get to sleep through the night.”</p><p class="p1">“At least you get to go home every night,” Soobin points out. “Sometimes I worry Sean’ll forget who I am.” </p><p class="p1">It's a Friday night and he, Jaehoon and Taehyun in a bar for their monthly bodyguard night out, taking advantage of happy hour and making full use of their last few days in Seoul. In five days they’ll be on a plane out of Seoul, flying out for the first leg of Kai’s two-month world tour.</p><p class="p1">“Maybe we should complain,” Jaehoon tells Taehyun. “Wouldn’t it be safer if we guarded Kai from <em>inside</em> his apartment?”</p><p class="p1">Taehyun shrugs, taking a delicate sip of his glass. “I don’t know, man. Don’t think anyone’ll be crazy enough to scale 12 floors just to break in through Kai’s windows.”</p><p class="p1">“Besides,” Soobin says. “We’ve already rigged the windows to set off an alarm in Kai’s apartment, so you’ll know if someone tries.”</p><p class="p1">Jaehoon chugs the rest of his drink. “True.”</p><p class="p1">“Who do you think it is, anyway?” Taehyun asks. “How did they get Kai’s address?”</p><p class="p1">“It could be someone who trailed our van back to Kai’s place,” Jaehoon suggests.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, that’s what we thought,” Soobin says. “But we checked the van’s rear camera, and there haven’t been any sightings of suspicious vehicles.”</p><p class="p1">“Weird,” Jaehoon muses.</p><p class="p1">Taehyun's eyes suddenly go comically large. “Do you think it’s an inside job? Someone in Big Hit leaking the info?”</p><p class="p1">Soobin pauses. All this time he’d been assuming it was a crazy stalker, but — an inside job never crossed his mind.</p><p class="p1">“God, I hope not,” Jaehoon says. “Who knows what other information they might have on Kai then?”</p><p class="p1">His family, his home address, his phone number... fuck.</p><p class="p1">“I’ll flag it to Beomgyu,” Soobin says. “There should be a way to check if anyone’s accessed Kai’s personal records recently.”</p><p class="p1">“If it really is an inside job,” Taehyun says slowly. “We’ll have to be careful when we go on world tour. Whoever it is might be one of us.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin pauses. “We’ll have to step up his security.”</p><p class="p1">“More all-nighters?” Jaehoon asks, raising an eyebrow.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p1">“We’ll have to guard him from inside his room,” Taehyun says. “I presume the hotel windows don’t come fitted with alarms.”</p><p class="p1">“I’ll arrange something with Beomgyu,” Soobin says. “I‘ll probably do the night shifts. It won’t be too different from what I’m doing now, in any case.”</p><p class="p1">“We can work out a system,” Jaehoon proposes. “Split it between us three.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin has a feeling Kai won’t want that, but he nods and says: “Might work. I’ll let you know.”</p><p class="p1">His suspicions are proven right when Kai nods eagerly at their proposal later that night.</p><p class="p1">“Just Soobin-hyung with me,” Kai says. “It’s less trouble for everyone. Less packing and unpacking. Um.” He casts a wide-eyed glance at Soobin. “If you don’t mind.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m fine,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p1">“Sure,” Beomgyu says, throwing a knowing look at Soobin. Soobin has no idea what that’s supposed to mean. “Here’s the thing. Uh. The rooms we booked for you, Kai, only has one bed. A spare bed would be an extra cost, and we’re already tight on budget.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’s cheeks tinge slightly with pink.</p><p class="p1">“I can sleep on the floor,” Soobin says quickly, shooting Kai a warning glance before Kai can give away their unorthodox sleeping arrangement and send Soobin to his untimely demise at the hands of a wrathful Beomgyu.</p><p class="p1">And that’s how, five days later, he ends up lugging his sleeping bag all the way to New York City.</p><p class="p1">“This is all your fault,” Soobin tells Kai, after they’ve stumbled into their shared hotel room, bleary-eyed and irritable from their 14-hour flight.</p><p class="p1">“How is this <em>my</em> fault?” Kai asks, dumping his bags on the floor and tipping into bed, not bothering to turn on the lights beyond the bedside lamps glowing warm on both sides of their bed. Their shared bed. </p><p class="p1">“I have to drag this sleeping bag around <em>everywhere</em>,” Soobin complains, collapsing into bed with Kai.</p><p class="p1">“At least I’m not making you actually sleep on the floor,” Kai points out.</p><p class="p1">“Maybe it’s better if I did,” Soobin grumbles, thinking about how easy it’d be for Beomgyu to barge in on the two of them sleeping together now that he‘s literally staying next door.</p><p class="p1">There’s a pregnant pause.</p><p class="p1">“Would it?” Kai asks, and something in his voice makes Soobin take his face out from the pillow he’d plonked it in. Kai’s on his side now, watching him, expressionless.</p><p class="p1">“If you don’t want to share a bed, you should just say so,” Kai continues.</p><p class="p1">“I,” Soobin says, brain stumbling.</p><p class="p1">“I’ll pay the extra costs for a spare bed myself if I have to,” Kai says, rolling to the edge of the bed and reaching for the phone.</p><p class="p1">“Kai —“ Soobin says, reaching out and grabbing Kai’s wrist. “Stop. I was kidding.”</p><p class="p1">“Don’t do that,” Kai snaps.</p><p class="p1">Soobin rears back. “Do what?”</p><p class="p1">Kai’s lips tighten into a thin line, and he closes his eyes briefly.</p><p class="p1">“Kai,” Soobin says, tentatively.</p><p class="p1">“You — you‘re always doing that,” Kai says, eyes still closed. “Saying yes. But do you really mean it?”</p><p class="p1">Kai opens his eyes. A cab honks, muted, from outside the window, and the passing lights of the city traffic falls red-orange-yellow across Kai's face.</p><p class="p1">“When have I ever gone back on my word?” Soobin asks softly.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not that,” Kai says, getting up and turning away from Soobin. “Do you actually want to?”</p><p class="p1">Want to... what? Protect Kai? Make sure he’s safe? It’s his duty. Of course he wants to.</p><p class="p1">“I’ll tell you if you ever ask me to do something I don’t want to,” Soobin says, slowly.</p><p class="p1">“Promise me,” Kai says, voice hard.</p><p class="p1">“I — I promise,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p1">Kai holds out his pinky, and Soobin takes it.</p><p class="p1">Kai sighs, taking his hand back. “Sorry for snapping at you,” he says, begrudging but sincere. “I’m just... tired.”</p><p class="p1">“It’s okay,” Soobin says. “If it makes you feel any better, I’ll definitely say no if you ever ask me to follow you into any body of water.”</p><p class="p1">A small smile tugs at the edges of Kai’s lips. “What?”</p><p class="p1">“I can’t swim,” Soobin confesses. </p><p class="p1">“Don’t bodyguards have to go through, like, water training?” Kai laughs.</p><p class="p1">“Actually, no,” Soobin says. “Huh.”</p><p class="p1">“I’ll teach you, next time,” Kai says, clambering off the bed and unzipping his luggage. “Or maybe when we have time to spare! I saw a pool downstairs.”</p><p class="p1">Mental glimpses of a golden-skinned, glistening Kai in swimming trunks flash unbidden through Soobin’s mind.</p><p class="p1">Slowly, Soobin returns his face to the pillow.</p><p class="p1">“Ngh,” is all he can say.</p><p class="p1">“I’m gonna take a shower,” Kai informs Soobin, and then goes.</p><p class="p1">Soobin lets himself drift as Kai showers, laziness pulling at his joints and sinking him further into the plush softness of the bed. When the water finally stops running, Soobin forces his eyelids open and attempts to convince his body out of bed, and he’s just about made it up to his elbows when the bathroom door opens and Kai steps out, half-naked.</p><p class="p1">Soobin closes his eyes, counts to three, then opens them again. It doesn’t help. Kai is still, excruciatingly, in nothing but a towel, tied loosely around his waist. His hair is wet and sticking up at the back, and there are a few stray water droplets clinging to his chest, and — and has he been <em>working out?</em></p><p class="p1">Soobin doesn’t want to think about why he‘s noticing these things.</p><p class="p1">Soobin doesn't want to think about a lot of things he notices about Kai. </p><p class="p1">“Sorry,” Kai says sheepishly, heading over to his luggage. “Forgot to unpack my pajamas. Don’t look! I’m changing.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin grunts and decides, all things considered, that tipping back down into bed and screwing his eyes shut would probably be his next best course of action.</p><p class="p1">It isn’t that he hasn’t seen Kai in various states of undress. Kai’s constantly getting changed in and out of different outfits backstage, so shirtless Kai isn’t exactly a new phenomenon. It’s just that those had always been quick, fleeting flashes of skin, whereas this is Kai stripping himself unhurriedly, cloth rustling torturously behind Soobin’s closed eyes.</p><p class="p1">Soobin blames it on the past month of close proximity. Something about being wrapped up in Kai every night must be messing with him.</p><p class="p1">“So, uh,” Kai says, after a prolonged period of silence in which Soobin tries to distract himself from the sounds of Kai changing by thinking about all the times Sean had taken a dump on the floor and then walked all over it. “I may or may not have used up all the hot water.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin groans.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>How do I draw the line</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>When I can’t have you, but want to?</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Part of the reason why Soobin’s so good at his job is because he’s always willing to go beyond the permits of his contract for the safety of his subjects.</p><p class="p1">This, however, isn’t exactly what he had in mind.</p><p class="p1">“Come on!” Kai yells, stars in his eyes. He’s squatting at the edge of the stage, holding out his hand, and the cheers of Kai’s fans nearly blow Soobin off his feet.</p><p class="p1">Soobin, very resolutely, shakes his head.</p><p class="p1">“Please?” Kai shouts, eyes going beseeching. “The fans‘ll love it! They love you!”</p><p class="p1">“No,” Soobin shouts back.</p><p class="p1">“Go! I got you covered!” Taehyun yells into Soobin’s ear. </p><p class="p1">“Wait, but,” Soobin says, weakly, but Taehyun’s already pushing him up the stairs to the stage and Kai’s already there to receive him with open arms.</p><p class="p1">Oh, god.</p><p class="p1">The opening bars for one of Kai’s more sultry songs boom across the stadium, and Kai makes a mischievous face, and — yeah. Soobin is probably done for.</p><p class="p1">He looks around slowly at the thousands and thousands and thousands of fans, light sticks waving, screams deafening, and immediately regrets it. It’s <em>terrifying</em>. God. How does Kai do it? So he fixes his eyes on Kai instead, and — and regrets that decision even more, because Kai starts crooning the first verse with his eyes closed and his hands wrapped sweetly around his mic, and all Soobin can do is stare.</p><p class="p1">When Kai opens his eyes, Soobin forgets how to breathe.</p><p class="p1">Kai walks up to Soobin, placing purposeful fingers on his arm. His hand is warm. Soobin’s face is warm. Everything is warm. Kai’s voice fills the stadium, fills Soobin with a heady, hazy feeling, and then Kai’s pulling coyly at his hand, leading him to centre stage, and the fans go wild.</p><p class="p1">But the screaming of the fans can’t quite measure up to the warning bells ringing in Soobin’s head.</p><p class="p1">“What — what do you want?” Soobin asks, a little breathless, in the four bars between chorus and verse.</p><p class="p1">“Dance with me!” Kai says, eyes curved with laughter.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t dance,” Soobin tries to say, but then Kai’s moving into his space, intent dark in his eyes.</p><p class="p1">When Kai licks his lips before parting them to sing the chorus, Soobin notices. When Kai slinks around him in a way that can only be described as seductive, Soobin notices. When Kai curls his lips in a wicked, teasing grin, Soobin notices.</p><p class="p1">Soobin doesn’t want to notice the way his stomach curls in anticipation for what can never happen.</p><p class="p1">Halfway through the song, Kai palms Soobin’s chest and swings his hips dangerously close to his, so it’s only understandable that Soobin holds Kai by the hips as a precautionary measure, just in case the performance adrenaline gets to Kai’s head and he does anything he’ll regret later.</p><p class="p1">They stay in that position for far, far too long, Kai singing, for all intents and purposes, like he's singing directly to Soobin. The lightsticks from the audience blur into a sea of stars behind Kai, and the screams from the fans fade into the background, and for a suspended, indefinite period of time, it feels like it's just him and Kai.</p><p class="p1">When the song ends, Soobin’s sweating profusely beneath his suit, and the only words his brain seems capable of producing is <em>Kai </em>and<em> hot</em>. Kai twirls him into a bow, then holds his hand and mouths <em>thank you</em> to him, eyes glimmering in the dark, and Soobin takes that as his cue to go.</p><p class="p1">The rest of the night passes in a flurry of hectic concert activity, and Soobin throws himself back into overseeing the crew of Kai's bodyguards and protection for the night. He most certainly doesn't think about the way Kai had looked, all hot and sultry. He doesn’t think about the way Kai had touched him, long and lingering and full of meaning. He doesn’t think about the way Kai had pressed himself close, too close, or the way he’d licked his lips, or the way his eyes were dark enough to put the night sky to shame. He absolutely doesn’t think about Kai at all when everything’s over and he’s standing in the shower, alone, eyes closed, breathless, fingers fisted tight and hard around himself.</p><p class="p1">When he comes, so hard he sees sparks behind his closed eyes, he tells himself he doesn't think about Kai at all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. fill my nights with light (fill my days with mights)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Do you understand?” Kai asks again, peering up at him, eyes guileless and hopeful and wide.</p><p>“Kai,” Soobin breathes, his heart drumming like butterfly wings against his chest. “I...” He trails off.</p><p>“Maybe I need to be crystal clear,” Kai whispers, cheeks dusted a lovely rose pink, and when he sways forward, Soobin lets him. </p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sookai! their vlive!!! still not over it. all the feelings i have about them might or might not have exploded messily into this chapter, so, uh, i apologise in advance. please enjoy &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">“What were you <em>thinking</em>?” is the first thing Beomgyu says the next morning, when the fancams start flooding the internet and it becomes abundantly clear that what seems like half the entire world has been up in arms about Kai and Soobin’s little performance all night last night.</p><p class="p1">“At least they seem to like it?” Soobin tries.</p><p class="p1">It’s honestly staggering how so many video compilations of Soobin and Kai’s every single interaction have, over night, magically sprouted into existence. Soobin is extremely puzzled as to why the fans seem to enjoy the idea of them harbouring deep-seated, forbidden romantic feelings for each other when he himself can barely think about it without feeling like passing out.</p><p class="p1">Beomgyu pauses, one finger held high. “Hm,” he says, obviously biting back the cutting remark he’d been about to deliver. “Interesting.”</p><p class="p1">That doesn’t sound promising.</p><p class="p1">The rest of the day passes uneventfully, Kai spending most of it passed out in bed while Soobin heads to the gym to get his dreaded but mandatory bodyguard workouts in. He’s in the middle of deadlifts when his phone buzzes.</p><p class="p1">It’s Yeonjun.</p><p class="p1"><em>You never danced with ME,</em> Yeonjun texts, sending over an old GIF of himself pouting at the camera.</p><p class="p1"><em>I‘d hardly call that dancing</em>, Soobin replies.</p><p class="p1"><em>Yeah, no, you guys were pretty much just grinding each other,</em> Yeonjun texts back.</p><p class="p1"><em>We were NOT</em>, Soobin responds indignantly.</p><p class="p1">👁 👄 👁 is Yeonjun‘s only reply.</p><p class="p1">Soobin steadfastly ignores him, only to be rudely interrupted by another text from Yeonjun, not two minutes later: <em>Dude let me teach you some basic moves,</em> <em>you’ll be killing it in no time</em>.</p><p class="p1"><em>There will be no next time!!! </em>Soobin responds.</p><p class="p1">Yeonjun just sends him a winky face emoji, and Soobin doesn’t block him, but it’s a near thing.</p><p class="p1">“Cute,” Taehyun comments over dinner later that day. He and Jaehoon are both watching some of the more secondhand-embarrassment-inducing fancams and cackling at Soobin, to which Soobin can only dream of throwing himself into the abyss.</p><p class="p1">“I blame this all on you, by the way,” Soobin tells Taehyun.</p><p class="p1">“What did I do?” Taehyun asks, plastering a look of innocence all over his face.</p><p class="p1">“You pretty much tackled me onto the stage,” Soobin says, reproachful.</p><p class="p1">“I did no such thing,” Taehyun replies loftily.</p><p class="p1">“You kind of did,” Jaehoon says helpfully.</p><p class="p1">“Thank you,” Soobin tells Jaehoon.</p><p class="p1">“You guys are trending on Twitter, by the way,” Taehyun says, shoving his phone into Soobin’s face. The hashtag #SOOKAI glares at him, coupled with vastly unwelcome GIFs of Soobin holding Kai by the hips and Kai singing to Soobin beneath lowered lids.</p><p class="p1">Soobin, very slowly, stands up.</p><p class="p1">“You know what, I’m exhausted,” he says, and escapes before Taehyun and Jaehoon can torture him any further.</p><p class="p1">It’s a mistake.</p><p class="p1">The real torture awaits him back in the supposed safety of his room, where Kai’s perched by the window and singing softly beneath his breath with his guitar in his hands.</p><p class="p1">“Oh,” Kai says, startling, when Soobin pushes the door open. “You’re back early.”</p><p class="p1">The sun’s just setting outside, painting the sky with splashes of red-orange-pink and filling the room in soft gold. It makes Kai look like something out of an artwork, washed aglow in sunset hues.</p><p class="p1">Soobin looks away.</p><p class="p1">“Tired,” he grunts, kicking his shoes off and flopping into bed.</p><p class="p1">“... from dinner?”</p><p class="p1">“Don’t question me,” Soobin says, muffled from where he’s planted his face into the pillow.</p><p class="p1">“Did you see the tweets?” Kai asks, casually.</p><p class="p1">“No,” Soobin says, because he really doesn’t want to talk about that.</p><p class="p1">“They’re calling us Sookai,” Kai says, obviously trying to be helpful.</p><p class="p1">“Ngh,” Soobin says crossly, then decides changing the topic now would be ideal. “What are you playing, anyway?”</p><p class="p1">Kai ducks his head and fiddles with his guitar. “Um,” he mumbles. “It’s just this thing I’ve been working on. A new song. But it’s still really rough, um, I haven’t had much time to work on it, so it’s still in bits and pieces. I — I’ve been meaning to let you hear it, actually. Would — would you? Want to?”</p><p class="p1">When Kai looks back up, shy, the last streaks of evening light falling onto his face and lighting his eyes up in gold, Soobin’s chest squeezes. Kai’s hair is sticking up at the back, and his shirt’s still rumpled from sleep, and his feet are bare where he’s got them tucked beneath his legs. He looks a little rough around the edges, obviously still bone-tired from the concert yesterday, but even so. He’s beautiful.</p><p class="p1">Soobin swallows.</p><p class="p1">“Sure,” he says.</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” Kai says in a halting voice, almost whispering now. “I, um. It’s not perfect, it probably sucks, but — I’ll just — I’m just gonna start,” and then he does, body tensing then relaxing all in a single moment, fingers fluttering across his guitar like it’s second nature.</p><p class="p1">He strums the opening chords, and then he parts his lips and, voice hoarse but lilting, starts to sing:</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>Where’s the line?</em><br/>
<em>It’s lonely here, but I’m fine</em><br/>
<em>Sending you all the signs</em><br/>
<em>But this line, it’s hard to climb</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Soobin tries to ignore the way Kai’s ears slowly start to flush red.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>I’d give my life for you</em><br/>
<em>And you for me</em><br/>
<em>But the lines are blurred</em><br/>
<em>Aren’t they, honey?</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Kai’s eyes flick up from the guitar to meet Soobin’s, and Soobin immediately feels his own cheeks start to mirror Kai’s ears.</p><p class="p1">Kai doesn’t drop his gaze, just continues singing, sweet and soft and tentative, every note a drop of sunset red and pink and gold.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>I’d give my heart to you</em><br/>
<em>And you to me</em><br/>
<em>Except the latter </em><br/>
<em>Only happens in my wildest dreams</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It’s clearly a love song, probably the same song Beomgyu mentioned months ago. Kai’s voice is full of yearning, of want and long-restrained desire. His words flow like a stream, quiet but relentless, slow and a little sad.</p><p class="p1">Soobin feels his head swim along with Kai’s words, feels his heart go all lopsided topsy-turvy upside-down somewhere in the space beneath his ribcage.</p><p class="p1"><em>Who is it?</em> Soobin wants to ask. <em>Who’s got you so torn, so filled with longing? </em></p><p class="p1">It’s the same questions Soobin often finds himself thinking late at night, when Kai’s dropped off to sleep, or early in the dawn, when he wakes up warm in Kai’s arms. Who are all of Kai’s songs written for, who is it that Kai wants so badly but can’t have?</p><p class="p1">Soobin’s chest clenches again, and he wants to turn away, wants to tell Kai to stop. He doesn’t want to hear it, doesn’t want to hear Kai singing once again about someone else.</p><p class="p1">Soobin fists the bedsheets, and his mouth tastes like hurt and the same longing that Kai sings so sweetly.</p><p class="p1">He wants to tell Kai to stop, but he can’t bring himself to, not when Kai’s singing so sincerely, so tenderly. Kai’s eyes are dark again, like they were in the stadium last night, and yet they’re aglow with the same light that makes up the sun and the stars and the sparks Soobin sees behind closed eyes.</p><p class="p1">Then Kai starts singing the chorus, and Soobin stops breathing.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>How do I draw the line </em><br/>
<em>When you’re next to me every night?</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Kai’s eyes are unreadable yet filled with so much meaning, Soobin can hardly begin to decipher it.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>How do I draw the line</em><br/>
<em>When I can’t have you, but want to?</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It feels like they’ve been transported back to the stadium again, back to that moment suspended in time when it was just Soobin and Kai, Kai and Soobin, and it felt like Kai was singing to Soobin. <em>For</em> Soobin.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>How do I draw the line </em><br/>
<em>When you chase my nightmares with light </em><br/>
<em>How do I draw the line</em><br/>
<em>When you fill my days with mights?</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The last note rises to a crescendo of emotion, rises and rises then falls away. Kai’s gaze hasn’t left Soobin’s since he’d first looked up, and he doesn’t look away now.</p><p class="p1">Kai clears his throat.</p><p class="p1">“Do — do you understand what I’m trying to say?” he whispers.</p><p class="p1">A small part of Soobin does, the part in his heart that’s clenching and brimming and full to bursting — but a huge part of his brain is telling him no.</p><p class="p1">Whatever it is — whatever this is, whatever Kai’s trying to tell him — it can’t happen. Can never happen.</p><p class="p1">“It’s a really good song, Huening-ah,” Soobin says, making every attempt not to betray the way his heart wants to jump out of his throat. “Beautiful. One of your best. It’s gonna be a hit.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, but,” Kai says, lowering the guitar to the ground, unfolding his legs and — oh god — getting up, walking over to their bed. Their shared bed. The bed they’ve been sleeping on for the past week, the bed that Soobin sleeps next to Kai in every night, the bed in which he chases his nightmares with light.</p><p class="p1">Fuck.</p><p class="p1">“Y-yeah?” Soobin stutters, because Kai sits close. Too close.</p><p class="p1">“Do you <em>understand</em>?” Kai asks again, peering up at him, eyes guileless and hopeful and wide.</p><p class="p1">“Kai,” Soobin breathes, his heart drumming like butterfly wings against his chest. “I...” He trails off.</p><p class="p1">“Maybe I need to be crystal clear,” Kai whispers, cheeks dusted a lovely rose pink, and when he sways forward, Soobin lets him. </p><p class="p1">Lets Kai kiss him.</p><p class="p1">Lets Kai whimper sweetly into his mouth, like he’s been dreaming about this for months. Lets Kai slide his lips over his, a warm, heart-stopping slide that sends sparks like electricity down Soobin’s spine. Lets himself kiss back for a single, torturously wonderful second.</p><p class="p1">In another world, Soobin would continue the kiss.</p><p class="p1">But in this world, he can’t.</p><p class="p1">Slowly, reluctantly, he pulls away. Kai doesn’t move, just looks at Soobin, lips parted and flush high on his cheeks.</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry,” Soobin says, voice scratchy. “Um. I — we can’t. Kai. We can’t.”</p><p class="p1">Kai blinks slowly. “Why?”</p><p class="p1">“I’m your bodyguard,” Soobin says. “I — It’s not right.”</p><p class="p1">Kai frowns. “But do you — I mean, would you...”</p><p class="p1">“It doesn’t matter. I’m your bodyguard,” Soobin repeats. “My job is to protect you. Not fall in love with you.”</p><p class="p1">“So you’re in love with me?” Kai asks coyly.</p><p class="p1">God damn it.</p><p class="p1">“That — that’s not the point,” Soobin says. “If anyone finds out, we’d be finished.”</p><p class="p1">“So we won’t let anyone find out,” Kai says.</p><p class="p1">“No,” Soobin says firmly. “It’s too dangerous.”</p><p class="p1">“Hyung,” Kai starts.</p><p class="p1">“It’s probably just the proximity,” Soobin says, a little desperately. “From spending so much time together. You’re probably just confused.”</p><p class="p1">Kai shakes his head. “No,” he says. “Trust me. I’m not, hyung, I —“</p><p class="p1">“No, please, Kai. It’s for your own good.”</p><p class="p1">“Why?” Kai says, voice small, and now it’s his turn to clench the covers with his fists. “If you’re supposed to protect me, why are you hurting me?”</p><p class="p1">Soobin closes his eyes, takes a long, measured breath. “Hueningie,” he says. “I am trying to protect you. I just — I don’t want the same thing that happened to Yeonjun to happen to you.”</p><p class="p1">“What — what does Yeonjun have anything to do with this?”</p><p class="p1">“No one knows what really happened,” Soobin says, “except me and Beomgyu and Yeonjun and — okay, fine, maybe a few people know. But — Yeonjun’s case wasn’t just a simple break-in, Huening-ah. That night, the night his stalker broke into his apartment, Yeonjun had been... with his boyfriend.“</p><p class="p1">Kai’s eyebrows shoot up.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah. His stalker had been obsessed with him, had been threatening to blackmail Yeonjun with photos he managed to take of the two of them on dates and stuff. He’d even managed to get all of Yeonjun’s boyfriend’s details — his full name, occupation, address, number. It was fucking terrifying. If the photos were ever leaked... you know how it is. That’d be the end of Yeonjun’s career.” Soobin sighs. “Then he started terrorising Yeonjun’s boyfriend. Sent him and his family death threats and all. I’m just glad I was standing guard outside Yeonjun’s apartment when the break-in happened.</p><p class="p1">“Big Hit spun it as a simple robbery, but it’s more complicated than that, Huening-ah. Being attached as an idol is taboo enough. Being gay is a whole other issue to tackle. You know society isn’t ready. Maybe it will, one day, but definitely not now. Imagine how much worse it’ll be if — if they caught you with me. I have a duty to you, Kai. I can’t overstep my boundaries.”</p><p class="p1">Kai looks out the window, teeth gritted, a muscle in his jaw jumping. He’s got that look on his face, eyes bright, the look that says he wants this, that says he’ll stop at nothing to get what he wants.</p><p class="p1">“You’re wrong,” Kai says, voice tight. “How can you tell me to wait for change to happen when I can be a part of that change? When <em>we</em> can?”</p><p class="p1">“Tell that to Beomgyu and upper management,” Soobin says, gently, then hesitates. Swallows. Says: “Maybe if I wasn’t your bodyguard. Maybe if crazy stalkers didn’t exist. Maybe I would.”</p><p class="p1">Kai’s gaze flicks to him, eyes coal-dark and searching.</p><p class="p1">“Do you understand?” Soobin asks tentatively.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, I,” Kai says, and his lips are pressed tight. “I understand.“</p><p class="p1">His face is unreadable, but Soobin knows exactly what he’s thinking. </p><p class="p1">“For what it’s worth,” Soobin says, haltingly. “If you weren’t you, and if I weren’t me...”</p><p class="p1">“Can you kiss me?” Kai interjects, and the words come out rushed, tumbling over each other on his tongue. “Just. One last time.”</p><p class="p1">The last rays of light vanish behind the skyline and the deep blue hues of dusk creep into the room, casting Kai in soft, muted light. Kai is heart-wrenchingly beautiful, sitting there on the bed (<em>their</em> bed, Soobin’s brain whispers), hair falling into his eyes, shirt too big on him. Dark-haired, fair-skinned, eyes glittering against the surrounding darkness. His lips are parted just slightly, and his fingers are curled around the covers, and Soobin tries not to imagine them curled against his skin.</p><p class="p1"><em>Do it</em>, his heart says, thumping against his chest. <em>Just once more won’t hurt</em>. Not when Soobin’s dealt with the hurt for as long as he’s known Kai, since Soobin walked into that meeting room in Big Hit and laid eyes on Kai for the first time and thought — <em>oh</em>. Not when Soobin’s felt the intimate agony of yearning for what he can never have, when Kai had come backstage from his first few debut stages, breathless and vibrating with excitement, and asked Soobin <em>how was it hyung, was I good? </em>or when Kai had reached for his hand and gripped it tight against the clamour of his fans at the airport a year back, or when Kai had tried on his first sexy concept fitting and walked out of the changing room and asked Soobin shyly <em>how do I look, do you like it?</em></p><p class="p1">He’d liked it.</p><p class="p1">He’d liked Kai then, and he likes Kai now — in any outfit, in any setting — onstage or backstage, at work or at home, smoking hot with his eyeliner and stupidly tight pants or barefooted in his ratty holey hoodies-and-sweatpants. He likes Kai. Maybe he loves Kai.</p><p class="p1">But love isn’t selfish, which is why he's swallowed those feelings and buried them deep where no one ever goes looking. </p><p class="p1"><em>It’s for the better</em>, Soobin thinks, as he nods once, a slight jerk of his head. Just one last kiss. Then never again.</p><p class="p1">Kai sits there, waiting and unmoving. He’s so still it’s almost like he’s stopped breathing, like they’re frozen in time.</p><p class="p1">Soobin hesitates.</p><p class="p1">“Please,” Kai whispers, and if his voice breaks a little, Soobin ignores it.</p><p class="p1">He ignores the way it feels like his heart might jump out of his throat. Ignores the way Kai shudders when Soobin brings a hand up to cup his cheek. Ignores the way Kai’s eyes flutter shut, the way he tilts his face up towards Soobin, like a flower turning towards the sun, the way he looks almost unreal with his smooth skin and stupidly pretty eyelashes and bitten-pink lips, the perfect swell of irresistibility.</p><p class="p1">Soobin ignores all his better instincts, and leans forward and kisses him.</p><p class="p1">This kiss is different from their first. Where it was once hard and urgent, this is soft and unhurried. Where it was once rushed, like Kai hadn’t known if he was allowed to kiss Soobin, this is slow. Careful. Tender. Soobin fits his lips perfectly against Kai’s, and Kai sighs into the kiss, inching closer.</p><p class="p1">Soft, chaste kisses. Just lips moving against each other, a light, unfurling pressure. They stay like that, exchanging light kisses even as the light fades and dusk slowly turns to night.</p><p class="p1">How much is too much? Is it too much to angle his head slightly, just to deepen the kiss? Is it too much to pull Kai in, pull Kai closer, hands hot on his waist? Is it too much to part his lips, to run his tongue against the seam of Kai’s mouth?</p><p class="p1">Kai doesn’t seem to mind. He sighs again, makes another one of those sweet, sweet murmurs, and lets Soobin lick into his mouth. Flickers his tongue against Soobin’s. Presses close, so close, and he’s shaking.</p><p class="p1">Kai’s shaking.</p><p class="p1"><em>One last kiss, </em>Soobin’s brain whispers. <em>Make it worth it. </em>Make it the best fucking kiss he’ll remember for years to come.</p><p class="p1">Maybe it already is too much; maybe that line was crossed the moment Soobin let Kai kiss him. Soobin’s starting to find it harder and harder to remember why they shouldn’t be doing this. How can he, when they fit together so perfectly, when Kai twines his tongue around Soobin’s so temptingly?</p><p class="p1">Kai climbs over him, pushing Soobin gently against the headboard of their bed. Without breaking their kiss, Kai clambers onto Soobin’s lap, legs wrapping neatly around him on the bed — <em>fuck</em> — he’s so close, so close, Soobin can feel the heat of him against his chest, his hips, his thighs. His hands tighten around Kai’s waist, tugging him closer still, and then he puts a hand against Kai’s nape, fingers slipping through his jet black hair.</p><p class="p1">Night falls, but Soobin barely notices. His full attention’s on Kai, on kissing him over and over again. Time becomes a faraway concept — Soobin is reduced to the space between their lips and the flashes of sensation between their bodies: Kai squirming on his lap, Kai’s tongue sliding against his, Kai keening, high pitched, when Soobin gently nips at his bottom lip.</p><p class="p1">Then Kai starts moving, rolling his hips against Soobin’s, and Soobin pulls back immediately, hands gripping Kai tight by the hips.</p><p class="p1">“Kai,” Soobin says, just short of gasping.</p><p class="p1">“Hyung,” Kai replies, hoarse, and — god, when did it get so dark? The room’s almost pitch black; the only light comes from the headlights of traffic, filtered in through the window.</p><p class="p1">“We can’t,” Soobin murmurs, resting his forehead against Kai’s, but before he finishes his sentence he already knows it’s a losing battle.</p><p class="p1">Kai ducks in and kisses him, hard, a third time.</p><p class="p1">“Just,” Kai says against Soobin’s lips. “Please. Another won’t hurt.”</p><p class="p1">Then he leans in again, and the way they kiss is like a tidal wave, a force to be reckoned with, unending and relentless and so, so addictive. They kiss and kiss and kiss, giving and taking in turns — there’s a hint of teeth — Kai bites gently into Soobin’s bottom lip, presses a kiss like a promise against the side of Soobin’s mouth.</p><p class="p1">Then Kai starts trailing kisses down Soobin’s jaw, down his neck, sliding his lips and scraping his teeth against the part of skin just beneath his jaw where Soobin likes it best. Soobin doesn’t realise he’s making noises until Kai pulls away and smirks at him.</p><p class="p1">“Fuck you,” Soobin says dazedly, but he doesn’t remove his hand from Kai’s hair, just lets Kai drag his mouth against his neck again and suck, hard, and Soobin knows he should probably push Kai away, tell him hickeys aren’t a good idea — but he’s always had trouble saying no to Kai, hasn’t he?  </p><p class="p1">It’s good. It feels so good. Kai hot and heavy on his lap, his mouth a single blooming point of pleasure on his neck, his fingers curled around Soobin’s waist, just shy of slipping beneath his shirt and touching his bare skin. Soobin opens his eyes, stares up into the darkness, and wonders if this is real life.</p><p class="p1">“Hueningie,” Soobin gasps, and when Kai goes “hm?”, muffled against his skin, Soobin presses his hand against the back of Kai’s head, tilts his face up, and tugs him back into a messy kiss, almost aggressive.</p><p class="p1">This is the only time Soobin can have this. It won’t stop running through his head. This is the only time, the last time, so he loses himself in it, loses himself in the feeling of Kai’s wet, wild, open-mouthed kisses.</p><p class="p1">This kiss becomes five, and five becomes ten, and then Soobin loses count.</p><p class="p1">They’re kissing harder now, deeper, breaking away every so often just to pant against each other’s lips, before one of them leans in and drags their mouths together again. Soobin drinks Kai in, drinks him in like the last sip of water he’ll ever have, tastes his mouth like it’s the most exquisite wine in the world. He fucks his tongue into Kai’s mouth, and Kai whines, and then Kai shoves his hands up under Soobin’s shirt, fingers spreading wide against his bare skin, and heat coils in Soobin’s belly just beneath Kai’s palms.</p><p class="p1">It’s too much; it’s not enough. How can Soobin possibly constrain his feelings for Kai into a single moment, a single night? It’s impossible; Kai is impossible. Impossibly hot, impossibly wanton, impossible to refuse.</p><p class="p1">“Hyung,” Kai gasps, drawing back just slightly, almost panting. “Hyung, I —“</p><p class="p1">Then there’s a knock on the door, and they freeze.</p><p class="p1">“Kai?” Beomgyu yells from outside. “Are you in? Why don't you ever answer my texts, for god's sake?" </p><p class="p1">Soobin practically flings Kai off his lap and leaps out of bed.</p><p class="p1">“I — I got it,” Soobin says, clearing his throat. Kai’s still sprawled in bed, looking for all the world like a rabbit caught in the headlights. “Go do something, look busy!” Soobin hisses.</p><p class="p1">“Right, right, yeah,” Kai says, clambering off the bed and throwing himself at the window seat again, picking up his guitar and holding it defensively like a shield.</p><p class="p1">“Coming!” Soobin yells, flicking on the lights — and then he catches sight of himself in the mirror. Fuck. He looks... extremely questionable. His hair’s all screwed up and his ears are tomato red and there are <em>hickeys</em> on his neck, <em>fuck</em>.</p><p class="p1">“Hoodie!” Soobin squeaks, taking a u-turn and diving across the bed to reach his luggage. He tugs a hoodie over his shirt and pulls the strings so tight he almost chokes, then stumbles over to open the door for Beomgyu.</p><p class="p1">Beomgyu gives him a critical once over. “What took you so long?”</p><p class="p1">“Just — Kai and I were too lazy to get up,” Soobin says, and hopes Beomgyu doesn’t see right through him.</p><p class="p1">“Typical,” Beomgyu snorts, pushing past him, and Soobin allows himself an internal sigh of relief.</p><p class="p1">“To what do I owe the pleasure of seeing you on my off day, manager-nim?” Kai asks snootily.</p><p class="p1">“Urgent business,” Beomgyu says, unapologetically, sitting down on the edge of the atrociously rumpled bed that, Soobin realises with dread, looks for all the world like two people had been rolling around in it. “I just spoke to Bang PD-nim; he’s thinking of making your stage together a permanent fixture.”</p><p class="p1">Beomgyu turns to look meaningfully at Soobin.</p><p class="p1">A <em>what</em> now?</p><p class="p1">Soobin stares at Beomgyu.</p><p class="p1">“The fans only have good things to say about you, Soobinie,” Beomgyu continues, arching a single eyebrow. “It’s true.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin opens and closes his mouth.</p><p class="p1">“Permanent as in...” he finally manages to say.</p><p class="p1">“As in, for the next three concerts at least.”</p><p class="p1">“What?” Soobin says incredulously.</p><p class="p1">“That sounds like fun!” Kai says brightly, before deflating when Soobin turns to stare at him. “Or, you know, maybe not, um. If you don’t want to do it, now’s the time for you to exercise your right to say no, hyung.”</p><p class="p1">“No,” Soobin says, and Kai immediately wilts. “No! I mean — I’m not saying no,” Soobin continues quickly. “I just. <em>Why?</em>”</p><p class="p1">“The fans love you,” Beomgyu says. “And it’s driving a lot of positive sentiment online, which is always good publicity.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin blinks. ‘Good’ would probably be the last adjective he would use to describe their situation. Confusing, maybe. Massively dubious, definitely. Soobin feels like he’s been thrown headfirst into a vortex of uncertainty, just spinning round and around without control. How on earth is he supposed to keep Kai at a professional distance now when it’s suddenly become his job to perform with him onstage? How is he going to be able to forget everything that just — happened? </p><p class="p1">“They’re not expecting me to dance, are they?” Soobin asks, suddenly gripped with fear.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t think so,” Beomgyu says, very unconvincingly.</p><p class="p1">“They <em>are</em>,” Soobin says. “They are, aren’t they?”</p><p class="p1">“Haha,” Kai says helpfully, tapping his guitar anxiously — a nervous tic of his.</p><p class="p1">Soobin groans, sitting heavily on the bed.</p><p class="p1">“The producers are still ironing out the details — whether it’ll be choreographed or if they’ll just make you stand there awkwardly like you did yesterday," Beomgyu says. </p><p class="p1">“I wasn’t awkward,” Soobin says defensively.</p><p class="p1">“It’s okay,” Kai pipes in. “It’s okay if you’re not comfortable with it, hyung. We can push back, right, Beomgyu-sshi?”</p><p class="p1">“I didn’t say I’m not,” Soobin cuts in, against his better instincts. “I’m fine. I’m cool with it.”</p><p class="p1">“Okay, great,” Beomgyu says, clapping his hands. “That settles it.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Soobin says, hollowly.</p><p class="p1">“Are you sure?” Kai flicks his gaze to Soobin, and he looks like he’s on the verge of snapping his guitar in half, he’s clenching it so tight.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Soobin says, taking a deep breath. “It’s an honour to share the stage with you, Huening-ah.”</p><p class="p1">Kai looks miserable. “Thanks, hyung,” he says, looking away.</p><p class="p1">A taxi honks outside the window.</p><p class="p1">“I need to speak to you, Beomgyu,” Soobin says, when the silence stretches on for far too long. “Outside.”</p><p class="p1">Kai frowns at Soobin, questioning.</p><p class="p1">Soobin shakes his head, slightly, then stands up and walks over to the door.</p><p class="p1">“Sure,” Beomgyu says, getting up. “I mean, I thought we could chill for a bit, order in some beer —“</p><p class="p1">“We can. Later.” Soobin jerks his head towards the door.</p><p class="p1">“Oookay,” Beomgyu says, quizzically.</p><p class="p1">He follows Soobin out, and when the door shuts behind them, Soobin says: “I need to handover my night shifts to someone else.”</p><p class="p1">“What?” Beomgyu asks. “Why?”</p><p class="p1">“No reason,” Soobin says. “Just. Maybe it isn’t good for Kai to be cooped up with me 24/7.”</p><p class="p1">“Oh. <em>Oh</em>. Did anything... happen?”</p><p class="p1">“No,” Soobin lies. “Um. We can probably rotate Taehyun and Jaehoon in. I’ll sort something out with them.”</p><p class="p1">“Is Kai okay with this?”</p><p class="p1">“He will be.”</p><p class="p1">“Something happened, didn’t it?” Beomgyu asks, peering at Soobin.</p><p class="p1">“Not at all,” Soobin answers, holding himself still. “Just tired of Kai’s whining every night, you know how it is.”</p><p class="p1">“Hm,” Beomgyu says dubiously.</p><p class="p1">“So,” Soobin says, opening the door again and gulping. “As you were saying — beer?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. we crossed it once (and i'll cross it again)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The thing is, Kai isn’t just a singer. He’s a performer who knows how to put on a good show. He’s singing, crooning into his mic, emotions rich in his voice, but he’s also performing — for the fans, for Soobin, for god knows who — and when the song reaches its climax, Kai drops his gaze to stare blatantly at Soobin’s lips. Right there. On stage. In front of millions of fans.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>oops, wrapping up this fic is taking a little longer than expected, so — enjoy the second last chapter!!</p><p>warning: someone almost drowns! but they're fine in the end. just. yeah. things are taking a lil dramatic turn</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">The rest of the tour passes in a blur, and from the whirlwind of activity that comes with any series of concerts, Soobin learns three things:</p><p class="p1">One, he hates mosh pit duty.</p><p class="p1">He hates shouting orders into his in-ear until his throat’s hoarse. Hates bodily blocking fans from escaping the mosh pit. Hates throwing mineral water bottles to fans who look seconds from passing out and praying at the same time that they don’t actually collapse, because that is, quite positively, every security personnel’s nightmare.</p><p class="p1">Two, he <em>really</em> hates mosh pit duty.</p><p class="p1">If he’s being entirely honest with himself, he hates it because every second spent working the pit only plagues him with what must surely be an unhealthy amount of nervous anticipation for the moment he’ll join Kai onstage. <em>Act embarrassed, </em>the producers tell him. Apparently the fans love it.</p><p class="p1">It doesn’t take much to act embarrassed.</p><p class="p1">Everything takes on a torturously new meaning after their kiss, and Kai seems to be using that mercilessly to his advantage. His charm’s usually dialled up to a 10 on an ordinary day, but with every performance they stage, Kai seems to reach new, unimaginable heights. He gets more charming. More daring. More <em>insufferable</em>.</p><p class="p1">First it’s Kai shoving the mic in Soobin’s face in Chicago, yelling at him: “Sing!” and Soobin proceeding to die from embarrassment. Then it’s Kai pressing himself against Soobin in Orlando, laughter sparkling like rough diamonds in his eyes, and singing into the mic opposite from Soobin, face too close, lips too soft, curved in an offer that Soobin knows he can’t take.</p><p class="p1">Atlanta is just — unspeakably frustrating. Kai starts <em>touching</em> Soobin in all sorts of inappropriate places — sliding his hands up and down Soobin’s arms, pressing hot palms against Soobin’s chest, and patting him on the ass when Soobin isn’t looking. Fuck. Every time it happens, Soobin goes a little crazy. The fans go crazy too.</p><p class="p1">Three: <em>Kai</em> is crazy.</p><p class="p1">Their Dallas stage starts off like any ordinary performance — Kai signals for Soobin to join him, and when Soobin reluctantly climbs onstage, the fans’ cheers double in decibels. The producers had decided that having Soobin stand awkwardly in the middle of the stage was the best way to go about it, so it’s as he’s standing stiffly in front of Kai, trying not to die, when Kai walks boldly up to him and puts two fingers beneath his chin.</p><p class="p1">“Um,” Soobin says, though of course Kai can’t hear him through his in-ears.</p><p class="p1">Kai steps right up to Soobin, eyes dark.</p><p class="p1">Soobin swallows, heat tugging at his stomach.</p><p class="p1">This close, he can see the gloss on Kai’s lips. The perspiration on his temples. The glitter on his cheeks.</p><p class="p1">The thing is, Kai isn’t just a singer. He’s a performer who knows how to put on a good show. He’s singing, crooning into his mic, emotions rich in his voice, but he’s also performing — for the fans, for Soobin, for god knows who — and when the song reaches its climax, Kai drops his gaze to stare blatantly at Soobin’s lips. Right there. On stage. In front of millions of fans.</p><p class="p1">He wouldn’t.</p><p class="p1">Would he?</p><p class="p1">Soobin’s learned the hard way that whenever Kai makes up his mind about anything, attempting to extinguish his fire will always be futile. The best way forward is to fight fire with fire — so when Kai leans in, Soobin leans in too.</p><p class="p1">Kai’s eyes widen slightly in surprise, and his voice wavers, and then Soobin presses their foreheads together and smiles. He nudges their noses together, once then twice, playful eskimo kisses — Kai smells of the stage, of adrenaline and clean sweat, of the gazillion make up products and sprays he’s been doused with. But underneath all that, he smells like Kai. Like the Kai who refused to part ways with his torn, holey hoodies out of some kind of misplaced sense of responsibility. Like the Kai who used to suffer from the terrible habit of propping his bare feet up on Soobin’s lap.</p><p class="p1">Like the Kai Soobin hasn’t had in weeks.</p><p class="p1">It's been a few weeks since Soobin swapped his night shifts with Taehyun and Jaehoon and — maybe he misses it. Maybe he misses their stolen, sleepy moments together. The way Kai likes to steal all the covers. The way Kai sings obnoxiously in the shower. He even misses the way Kai would sometimes steal his toothbrush because he’s too lazy to unpack his own toiletries.</p><p class="p1">Deliriously, Soobin wonders if Kai lets Taehyun or Jaehoon sleep with him like Soobin does.</p><p class="p1">Kai pulls back first, blushing prettily, and something deep in Soobin curls in satisfaction.</p><p class="p1">Then Kai leans in again, determination flaring in his eyes, and — wow, okay, Soobin jerks back so fast he nearly slips on the confetti littering the stage.</p><p class="p1">When Kai laughs, it echoes all around the stadium.</p><p class="p1">“It’s fun teasing Soobinie-hyung,” he announces to the fans after the song ends, and gives Soobin one last pat on the butt before prancing off, eyes twinkling.</p><p class="p1">Yeah.</p><p class="p1">Kai is insane.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Dude,” Beomgyu says. “You need to stop.”</p><p class="p1">“What?” Soobin asks, lowering his shades and sitting up to squint at Beomgyu. They’re basking in the Los Angeles sun, indulging in the rest day they’ve got after making the trip from Dallas to LA. It’s Taehyun’s duty today to escort Kai around, so Soobin takes it upon himself to make full use of the free time by putting on his shades, collapsing into one of the hotel’s poolside day beds, and texting Beomgyu to join him.</p><p class="p1">“You need to stop encouraging him,” Beomgyu says. He takes a giant slurp of his disgustingly sweet peach cocktail. “That eskimo kiss in Dallas? Come on.”</p><p class="p1">“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Soobin says, straight-faced.</p><p class="p1">“You know he has that stupid crush on you,” Beomgyu says, exasperated. “Why do you keep egging him on?”</p><p class="p1">“I’m not —“</p><p class="p1">“Unless you have a thing for him too,” Beomgyu continues, now shrewd.</p><p class="p1">Soobin pushes his shades back up his nose and, with great dignity, lies back down on his sun bed.</p><p class="p1">“Oh,” Beomgyu says. “Oh my god.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m not egging him on, Beomgyu,” Soobin says, looking up at the cloudless sky. “Why do you think I swapped my night shifts with Taehyun and Jaehoonie?”</p><p class="p1">“Okay, well,” Beomgyu says. “I just. Wow. I always thought —"</p><p class="p1">“That I was straight?” Soobin quirks a smile. “Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s 100% straight. I think everyone just subscribes to an identity they believe in and then forges ahead. You do you, you know?”</p><p class="p1">“Maybe,” Beomgyu hedges. “I don’t know.”</p><p class="p1">“You’ll never know unless you try.” Soobin sighs. “Not that I will, anyway. Not with Kai.”</p><p class="p1">“Good. You know how dangerous it is.”</p><p class="p1">“I know, <em>mother</em>.”</p><p class="p1">“In any case,” Beomgyu says, sitting up on his bed. “Kai’s been complaining that his underwear keeps vanishing.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin laughs. “I’m not surprised. He’s always throwing his dirty clothes everywhere.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m serious,” Beomgyu says. “Like, he’s convinced it’s foul play. Literally foul, because who would want his smelly underwear, ew?” Beomgyu wrinkles his nose in disdain.</p><p class="p1">Soobin shifts to semi-medium alert. “What do you mean, foul play?”</p><p class="p1">And why hasn’t Kai said a word to him about this?</p><p class="p1">“He didn’t say it explicitly, but I think he thinks his stalker’s back.” </p><p class="p1">Soobin sits up. “It could be,” he says. “Beomgyu. Why didn’t you tell me earlier? He could be in danger, oh my god.”</p><p class="p1">Beomgyu places his cocktail down, eyes going round. “You think so?”</p><p class="p1">“If someone’s sneaking into his room and stealing his underwear —“ Soobin cuts off, thinking hard. “When did he say his underwear started missing?”</p><p class="p1">Beomgyu frowns. “In Orlando, I think.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin slides his shades off. “That’s —“</p><p class="p1">“Hyung!”</p><p class="p1">Soobin jumps.</p><p class="p1">It’s Kai, hurtling towards him at full speed. Speak of the devil. “Oof,” Soobin goes, when Kai invites himself into his day bed by violently and mercilessly intruding into Soobin's personal space. </p><p class="p1">“Get your own day bed,” Taehyun laughs from behind him, and Soobin makes a strangled noise that he hopes Taehyun can comprehend as a cry for help from where he’s being suffocated by Kai’s chest.</p><p class="p1">“Gerroff,” Soobin says, muffled.</p><p class="p1">“Why didn’t you invite me to swim too?” Kai asks, from somewhere up above.</p><p class="p1">“I’m not swimming, obviously,” Soobin says, manhandling Kai off his person. “Listen to Taehyun and get your own day bed.”</p><p class="p1">“I missed you,” Kai says, blatantly ignoring Soobin’s suggestion and cuddling up to him instead. “I’m supposed to teach you how to swim!”</p><p class="p1">“And I’m going to have to say no,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p1">Kai divests himself of his shirt, and Soobin hastily averts his eyes. “Come on, hyuuung,” he says.</p><p class="p1">“Stop terrorising Soobin and go swim if you want to,” Beomgyu pipes up. “And remember your sunscreen!”</p><p class="p1">“I tried my best,” Taehyun says, sighing dramatically from where he’s made himself home on the neighbouring sun bed. “He wouldn’t let me put any on him.”</p><p class="p1">“<em>Kai</em>,” Beomgyu admonishes.</p><p class="p1">“I’ll let Soobinie-hyung put it on for me,” Kai says, the picture of innocence.</p><p class="p1">Soobin sends Beomgyu a look that says <em>save me. </em></p><p class="p1">Beomgyu only shakes his head. Helpful as always.</p><p class="p1">Kai bullies Soobin eventually into slathering the sunscreen all over his back. Soobin slides his palms over Kai’s shoulder blades and pretends he doesn’t wish he could go slower. Kai is milky smooth and hot like a furnace beneath his hands, and when Soobin runs his hands to the base of his spine, Kai shivers.</p><p class="p1">“Go on,” Soobin says, softly, nudging Kai gently by the shoulder. “Go forth.”</p><p class="p1">“Come swim with me,” Kai says, and Soobin can’t see his face but he can most definitely hear his pout. “I’m a good teacher, promise.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin rolls his eyes. “Sure you are.”</p><p class="p1">Kai prances up from the sun bed and holds out his hand. “Let me show you.”</p><p class="p1">“Don’t drown,” Taehyun whispers loudly.</p><p class="p1">Soobin lets Kai grab his hand and drag him to the pool’s edge. “Just in case I really do drown,” he tells Kai, “Your parrot plushie’s in the kitchen cabinet. It was freaking me out.”</p><p class="p1">Kai gasps, toeing the water’s edge. “That’s where it went! The poor thing, all sad and lonely!”</p><p class="p1">“I’m sure it’s fine,” Soobin says, dipping his toes into the pool as well. “God, it’s cold. Why do people torture themselves like this?”</p><p class="p1">“It’s not that bad once you jump in,” Kai says, and then there’s a mischievous glint in his eye and Soobin has a Very Bad Feeling about this.</p><p class="p1">“No,” he says, as Kai advances. “You know I’m deathly afraid of the water — Kai!”</p><p class="p1">Kai tackles him into the pool.</p><p class="p1">“I really hate you,” Soobin says, spluttering when he finally reaches the surfaces. “I <em>hate</em> you.”</p><p class="p1">“We’re in the shallow end,” Kai says, splashing water at Soobin. “It’s literally 1.2 metres. That’s, like, half your height.”</p><p class="p1">“You — I could <em>die</em>.”</p><p class="p1">“I’ll save you then,” Kai teases, and then he curls his hand around Soobin’s wrist. “The first thing you need to learn about swimming, hyung, is how to float.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin spends the next hour or so making a fool of himself in the pool, and by the time he finishes his fourth attempt at the breast stroke, it’s clear that Kai has officially given up on teaching him how to swim and chosen instead to observe Soobin like he's a circus animal in a zoo. </p><p class="p1">“Wow,” Kai says, after he’s done laughing hysterically. “You’re an awesome bodyguard but, honestly, you’d be a truly awful lifeguard.”</p><p class="p1">“How about you show me how it’s done,” Soobin retorts, “And I’ll just cheer you on from here?”</p><p class="p1">“I can swim the entire length of the pool without breathing,” Kai says proudly.</p><p class="p1">“Sure you can.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m serious! Here, I’ll show you.” And before Soobin can suggest maybe warming up first, Kai takes a deep breath, cheeks puffing out, and dives underwater.</p><p class="p1">Soobin shakes his head, biting back a smile, and watches as Kai slices impressively fast through the water. Kai reaches the end of the pool, does the kind of complicated somersault Soobin’s only ever seen competitive swimmers do, and hurtles back towards him.</p><p class="p1">And then he kind of — stops, just two metres away from him.</p><p class="p1">Kai’s blurry beneath the ripples of the water, sunlight sparkling and dancing distractingly off the surface, so at first Soobin can’t really tell what’s happening — but then his gut instincts kick in and he knows.</p><p class="p1">Something’s wrong.</p><p class="p1">Kai starts thrashing, and Soobin takes a split second to yell: “Taehyun!”, before wading forward as fast as he can, heart in his throat, ears ringing with terror.</p><p class="p1">He dives under.</p><p class="p1">None of his trainings ever prepared him for this. The water fills his ears, threatens to suffocate him, and Soobin feels his chest seize up — whether from his childhood fear of drowning or from the thought of losing Kai in a situation in which he is completely out of his depth — Soobin wants to take a deep breath but he can’t — fuck, he <em>can’t</em> —</p><p class="p1">He reaches out blindly, catches hold of something — it’s Kai, Kai’s arm, thank god, thank <em>god</em>. Soobin yanks him up, struggling to find purchase on the slippery pool floor. They’re in the part of the pool that angles downward from shallow to deep, and it’s difficult to stand. Kai’s gone distressingly limp in his arms, and they’re in a little too deep, the water’s surface just slightly out of reach, but Soobin tries anyway, lungs burning and teeth gritted with the effort of pulling Kai’s dead weight up the slope and back into the shallow end.</p><p class="p1">When they finally reach the surface, Soobin gasping for air and Kai deadly silent, not a sound from him — nothing nothing <em>nothing —</em>Taehyun has reached them.</p><p class="p1">“I got him, I got him,” Taehyun says, taking one of Kai’s arms and wrapping it around his shoulders, and Soobin thanks his lucky stars for Taehyun.</p><p class="p1">Together they drag Kai out of the pool and lay him on the edge — he’s deathly still, and his eyes are closed, god, <em>fuck</em>, and somewhere up above Soobin hears Beomgyu go: <em>he isn’t breathing.</em></p><p class="p1">No.</p><p class="p1">Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Soobin drags himself to his knees. This is what Soobin’s been trained for, he knows what to do. Soobin shuts his thoughts down, places both palms on Kai’s chest, starts pumping.</p><p class="p1">This, this, he can do.</p><p class="p1">God, please, let it be enough.</p><p class="p1">Kai’s normally pink lips are almost drained of colour, and his fringe, always too long, clump stubbornly together on his forehead. But he makes no sign of coming to.</p><p class="p1">For the first time in his three years of training and four years of active duty, Soobin starts to panic.</p><p class="p1">“Please,” Soobin mutters, blinking water out of his eyes. He tells himself it’s water from the pool. “Please, Kai, please.”</p><p class="p1">He tips Kai’s chin up, covers his mouth with his — his heart aches with a force he’s never felt, like every second of panic he’s ever felt has been rolled up and magnified into a single, frozen, all-consuming moment. Soobin breathes air into Kai’s lungs, and finds himself thinking he should’ve given Kai all the kisses he asked for. Anything’s better than him forcing oxygen into Kai’s body now — breathless with fear and drowning in regret.</p><p class="p1">Kai coughs, finally, and rolls over, convulsing. Then he opens his eyes, water clinging to his eyelashes, and says, of all the absurd things to say upon nearly dying: “Didn’t you say no more kisses?”</p><p class="p1">And then Kai passes out.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. can we go (between the lines)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It’s the small things; the big things; the things that only Kai would do. The things that make Kai Kai, and the things Soobin had very nearly let slip between his fingers.</p><p>“You scared the hell out of me, Kai,” Soobin says, quietly, and curls his fingers around Kai’s hand. “What would I do without you?”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>no words @ their comeback i'm sPEECHLESS!!!</p><p>writing fic is the only somewhat healthy outlet through which i can channel my feelings so here. here's the last chapter. enjoy!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Kai comes to when the moon is high in the sky. Soobin’s nodding off on the chair next to his bed when he hears Kai shift, making small, muffled noises of protest like he’s unhappy to be conscious.</p><p class="p1">Soobin jolts awake, heart thudding off-rhythm, and breathes: “Kai.”</p><p class="p1">“... hyung?” Kai whispers, voice small.</p><p class="p1">“You okay?” Soobin asks, scooting his chair over. “How’re you feeling?”</p><p class="p1">“‘m thirsty. What happened?” Kai asks, looking befuddled.</p><p class="p1">Soobin hands Kai a glass of water, helps sit him up so he can drink it without spilling. When Kai places the empty glass back down and blinks against the hair falling into his eyes, Soobin lets himself reach out and brush Kai’s hair from his face.</p><p class="p1">“You almost <em>drowned</em>,” Soobin finally says, voice breaking a little. He lets his hand rest on Kai’s cheek.</p><p class="p1">Kai leans just slightly, almost subconsciously, into Soobin’s palm. “I — oh. I remember now. Oh my god. I’m sorry.”</p><p class="p1">“Don’t apologise,” Soobin says, hard. “What the fuck, Kai, I almost lost you.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m fine now,” Kai says, voice scratchy. “I — my leg cramped. ‘s’my fault for being a show-off.” He laughs, dry.</p><p class="p1">“I told you to warm up first,” Soobin says, thumbing Kai’s cheek. “Why don’t you ever listen to me?”</p><p class="p1">Pause.</p><p class="p1">“I do,” Kai says, quietly, and his eyes drop to his lap. “For the important things.”</p><p class="p1">There’s a longer silence, and Soobin spends it struggling with the inner turmoil of ignoring whatever this <em>thing</em> is between them versus throwing caution to the wind and lettingthings unfold the way they seem to want to.</p><p class="p1">“You did CPR on me,” Kai says, eyes darting back up like he’s only just remembered. “You saved me?”</p><p class="p1">“Swimming might not have been on the list of bodyguard mandatories, but CPR definitely was.”</p><p class="p1">Kai quirks a smile. “Not that bad a lifeguard then.”</p><p class="p1">“Only for you,” Soobin teases, and his heart aches.</p><p class="p1">Kai turns his head to press a kiss into the palm of Soobin’s hand, and this time Soobin doesn’t pull away.</p><p class="p1">“Thank you,” Kai says, looking back up at Soobin through his eyelashes, and the room is dark but Kai’s eyes are bright with reflected moonlight, streaming gently through the window.</p><p class="p1">Soobin bites his lip and doesn’t lean in to press a hard kiss to Kai’s mouth, though it’s a very, very near thing.</p><p class="p1">God. He almost lost Kai.</p><p class="p1">It’s a thought that keeps circling in his mind like vultures, eating into him. He almost lost Kai. <em>Kai</em>. So much more than just a client, or an idol, or someone to protect — but one of his closest friends. A perfect, agonising juxtaposition of raw talent and too much hard work; of loose, uproarious charm and shy, quiet restraint; of silent tears in the drives home after a long day of work, cheeks glistening from the passing traffic and shoulders curled in from the immense stress of facing the industry alone. Of determined shoulders set in a resolute line, as he stands there on the stage lift, ready to rise up, to go out there and astound the world. Of loose shoulders as he reclines with the back up dancers and staff during breaks, chatting brightly with them about their families, their friends, what they had for lunch today. The only person he’d allow to steal his toothbrush, or hog the covers, or drag him onstage. The person he’s laughed with and slept with, talked about stupid stuff with and done stupid things with — like fall in love, and kiss, and then kiss again.</p><p class="p1">It’s the small things; the big things; the things that only Kai would do. The things that make Kai <em>Kai,</em> and the things Soobin had very nearly let slip between his fingers.</p><p class="p1">“You scared the hell out of me, Kai,” Soobin says, quietly, and curls his fingers around Kai’s hand. “What would I do without you?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">That night, Soobin texts Taehyun to pack his things so Soobin can resume his night shifts with Kai, and, despite everything, it’s almost like nothing has changed. They fall asleep curled around each other, Kai’s head slotted perfectly in the space between Soobin’s neck and shoulder, his breaths blowing soft across his skin.</p><p class="p1">That night, Soobin dreams of soft lips and tangled hair, dark eyes and teasing fingers.</p><p class="p1">The next day, during one of Kai’s vocal trainings, he puts Beomgyu on babysit-Kai-duty, and goes off to Taehyun and Jaehoon’s shared room. He’s still holding on to one of the two key cards from when he’d been sharing the room with Jaehoon, and he’s hoping against hope that no one’s in. They’re usually gymming around this time, so chances are it’ll be empty; he swipes the card and opens the door, a carefully crafted excuse ready on his lips (he forgot his toothbrush — which he really did), to find the room empty.</p><p class="p1">Perfect.</p><p class="p1">Soobin hates that he’s resorting to sneaking around behind their backs, but his imperative has always been Kai’s safety. If someone really is stealing Kai’s underwear, as ridiculous as it sounds, it has to be either Taehyun or Jaehoon. Only the three of them, apart from Kai, have had access to his rooms across the weeks, and if the incidents had only started occurring in Orlando — conveniently after Soobin had passed his night shifts to Taehyun and Jaehoon — well, he’d hate to jump to conclusions, and he’d hate to doubt his closest colleagues, but Soobin’s contractually obliged to ensure Kai’s protection above all else. If either one of Taehyun or Jaehoon was abusing their position to fulfil whatever fucking sick purpose they have, it’s Soobin’s job to put a stop to it, once and for all. </p><p class="p1">He goes through Taehyun’s luggage first, carefully sifting through his things and placing them back where he found them. It’s a little embarrassing that he knows exactly what to look for, but Soobin takes comfort in the fact that Kai’s probably the only one out of them who owns atrociously themed Mickey Mouse and Star Wars underwear.</p><p class="p1">Taehyun’s luggage and drawers are clean, and Soobin allows himself a sigh of relief. Then he turns to Jaehoon’s luggage, dread coagulating into a knot in his stomach.</p><p class="p1">Jaehoon’s luggage is clean too, and Soobin’s just about put everything back where he found them when he sees the hidden zip. It’s enfolded beneath an innocent looking flap of cloth that’s been cleverly designed to evade the average gaze, but Soobin himself owns a luggage with a hidden compartment, so he knows what it looks like.</p><p class="p1">Without breathing, he unzips the compartment, and slides his fingers in.</p><p class="p1">His hand brushes what feels like plastic, or paper, which is — not exactly what he expected to find, but then again Soobin would hate to expect the worst of Jaehoon.</p><p class="p1">He pulls out a bunch of polaroids, neatly bound together, and inhales sharply.</p><p class="p1">Fuck.</p><p class="p1">With shaking fingers, he removes the rubber band binding the polaroids together and fans them out on the carpet, bile rising in the back of his throat.</p><p class="p1">They’re all photos of Kai sleeping, hair fanned out across his pillow. Kai curled up. Kai spread eagled. Kai on his front. Kai on his back. Each polaroid is dated with a state and a date: mostly Orlando and Dallas, when Jaehoon took the night shifts. There are a few polaroids where Kai’s shirt has ridden up so that his stomach’s showing, and Soobin — Soobin bites down a surge of blinding anger, at Jaehoon for his perversion, and at himself, for allowing this to happen, for letting Jaehoon take over his night shifts just because Soobin was scared of whatever was budding between him and Kai.</p><p class="p1">He thought he’d been doing right by Kai, but god. He got it so wrong.</p><p class="p1">He got it so, so wrong, and he needs to fix this.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">They decide to handle it like men.</p><p class="p1">That is to say, with a great deal of dignity and sensibility.</p><p class="p1">After Soobin texts Beomgyu a photo of the offending polaroids, he sends Taehyun to take over Beomgyu’s babysit-Kai-duty, and then he and Beomgyu call Jaehoon into Beomgyu’s room for a talk.</p><p class="p1">“What’s up?” Jaehoon asks, settling into the study chair.</p><p class="p1">“Let’s just cut to the chase,” Beomgyu says, and scatters Jaehoon’s polaroids unceremoniously on the bed. “Are these yours?”</p><p class="p1">Jaehoon goes still, and his face slides smoothly into a blank expression.</p><p class="p1">There’s a telling beat of silence, in which Soobin tries very hard not to throw himself across the bed to throttle Jaehoon where he sits on the chair.</p><p class="p1">“The polaroids?” Jaehoon says, calmly. “No, don’t recognise ‘em.”</p><p class="p1">“Don’t fucking lie, Jaehoon,” Soobin says, voice harsh. “I found them in your luggage.”</p><p class="p1">Jaehoon frowns at Soobin. “The fuck you going through my stuff for?”</p><p class="p1">“There are dates on them,” Soobin says, ignoring him. “And they all coincide with the dates you took the night shifts for Kai.”</p><p class="p1">“You’re the only one who brought a polaroid camera on tour,” Beomgyu adds.</p><p class="p1">“The film crew has polaroid cameras too,” Jaehoon points out.</p><p class="p1">“But they don’t have access into Kai’s room at night, do they?” Soobin asks testily.</p><p class="p1">“The evidence is clear, Jaehoon,” Beomgyu says. “Have you been taking photos of Kai sleeping?”</p><p class="p1">Jaehoon lifts a shoulder. “Maybe,” he says, non-committal. “I don’t see what’s wrong with it. They’re just photos. At least I’m not grinding him up onstage.” He spits the last part out at Soobin, and Soobin nearly rises out of his seat on Beomgyu’s bed, stopping only when Beomgyu’s places a warning hand on his knee.</p><p class="p1">“What about Kai’s underwear?” Soobin asks. “You’ve been stealing those too, haven’t you?”</p><p class="p1">“I wouldn’t call it stealing,” Jaehoon drawls. “It’s more of a... borrowing.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin’s fists clench.</p><p class="p1">“What are you talking about, Jaehoon?” Beomgyu asks.</p><p class="p1">Jaehoon laughs. “God, loosen up, guys. Sometimes I borrow Kai’s underwear to wear. He has cute undies. It’s fine; there’s nothing wrong with it.”</p><p class="p1">“Jaehoon,” Soobin says, struggling hard to keep his temper in check. “You’ve been taking photos of Kai asleep without his consent. You’ve been taking his underwear without his consent. <em>Everything’s</em> wrong. What part about asking for consent do you not understand?”</p><p class="p1">“I’m his bodyguard,” Jaehoon says. “I don’t need his consent.”</p><p class="p1">What the fuck.</p><p class="p1">“Was it you sending the letters to Kai’s apartment in Seoul?” Beomgyu asks.</p><p class="p1">Jaehoon shrugs again. “Maybe.”</p><p class="p1">“Yes or no, Jaehoon,” Soobin growls.</p><p class="p1">“Alright, <em>fine</em>,” Jaehoon says. “You got me. Yeah, it was me. I figured you’d make us do night shifts at his place if I made you guys think there was a stalker who knew his address, but <em>fuck</em>, Soobin, you’re such a cockblock, you know that?”</p><p class="p1">“You were hoping I’d let you do the night shifts inside Kai’s apartment,” Soobin says, realisation dawning. “So you could — what, get a head start on stealing his underwear and taking weird photos of him?”</p><p class="p1">Jaehoon smirks. “And probably a lot more, yeah.”</p><p class="p1">“Fuckin’ hell, Jaehoon,” Beomgyu says, running a hand through his hair. “What’s wrong with you?”</p><p class="p1">“Nothing’s wrong,” Jaehoon says. “I just have a keen appreciation for beauty, and we all know Kai’s a stunner.”</p><p class="p1">Jaehoon’s always been the fun one. He’s always been the one making Taehyun down shot after shot whenever they go out for drinks, and the one enabling Soobin to buy another round of beer, and the one cracking Kai up whenever he gets too wound up with nerves before performances. Jaehoon’s always had a knack for making light of stressful situations, but the scariest part about that is how lightly he treats his trespasses as well.</p><p class="p1">Beomgyu sighs noisily. “Jaehoon, you’re fired.”</p><p class="p1">The smile slides off Jaehoon’s face.</p><p class="p1">“You can’t fire me,” he says.</p><p class="p1">“And why can’t I?” Beomgyu asks.</p><p class="p1">“You’ll be short handed. You need me.”</p><p class="p1">“I don’t think so.” Beomgyu glances at Soobin. “Soobin here’s pretty good at what he does.”</p><p class="p1">Jaehoon stands up abruptly. “It’s always Soobin, isn’t it?” he asks, and his voice has lost all its humour. “Soobin’s always the better bodyguard. The higher paid bodyguard. The favourite bodyguard. What —“</p><p class="p1">“Jaehoon, pack your things,” Soobin says, using the voice he always uses when giving orders. “Beomgyu’s getting you on the next flight back home, and upper management will take it from there.”</p><p class="p1">“What do you mean, take it from there?” Jaehoon asks, pacing. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”</p><p class="p1">“Underwear theft is a punishable offence, Jaehoon,” Soobin says. “You should know that.”</p><p class="p1">“I didn’t touch him,” Jaehoon snarls. “I did nothing wrong.”</p><p class="p1">Beomgyu rolls his eyes. “Tell that to the police, buddy. I think your entourage is here.”</p><p class="p1">Right on cue, there’s a knock on Beomgyu’s door, and Soobin gets up to open the door to two of their contract security personnel. It’s unfortunate that they’ll have to give up not one but three of their security team just to send Jaehoon back, but sacrifices have to be made.</p><p class="p1">“Seriously, Soobinie?” Jaehoon says, crossing his arms as the two men take him by the shoulders and walk him out of the room. “Using your own men to go against one of your own?”</p><p class="p1">Soobin shrugs. “You’re not one of us anymore, Jaehoon. Good bye.”</p><p class="p1">The door closes, and Soobin sighs heavily. “Now to tell Kai.”</p><p class="p1">“Now to tell Kai,” Beomgyu agrees, and gathers the polaroids back into a neat pile.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Kai takes it remarkably well.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t know if I’m more glad or more creeped out that it’s someone I actually know,” Kai comments, later that night, as he pats his gazillion moisturisers and toners and creams on his face while Soobin lies in bed scrolling through his socials.</p><p class="p1">“I guess the only upside’s that we don’t have to worry about how your address got leaked,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p1">“Mm,” Kai says. Then he pauses, and gives Soobin a weird look through the mirror. “Hey, hyung?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah?”</p><p class="p1">“If the stalker’s been dealt with and I’m safe,” Kai says, sounding distant, “Does that mean you don’t have to do night shifts with me anymore?”</p><p class="p1">Oh. Somehow, in the rush of settling Jaehoon’s case, Soobin had completely forgotten to move out of Kai’s room.</p><p class="p1">Soobin places his phone down. “I guess not, yeah,” he says slowly.</p><p class="p1">“But...”</p><p class="p1">“But maybe I want to,” Soobin says, watching Kai through the mirror. He clears his throat. “If you want me to.”</p><p class="p1">Kai frowns at Soobin. “You left me. In New York. Why’d you come back?”</p><p class="p1">Ah, fuck. Soobin was hoping Kai wouldn’t bring that up.</p><p class="p1">“You know why, Kai,” Soobin says. “I thought, maybe a little space...”</p><p class="p1">“You left me hanging,” Kai says, a line between his eyebrows. “It was Taehyun who told me you were handing over your night shifts.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry,” Soobin says. The A/C hums, and the sounds of someone showering in the room next door filters through the wall.</p><p class="p1">“The nightmares came back.”</p><p class="p1">Guilt slices through Soobin’s chest. “I’m really sorry.”</p><p class="p1">Kai sighs. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that; I wanted to make you feel bad. That was spiteful of me.”</p><p class="p1">“Kai...”</p><p class="p1">“Just —“ Kai turns around from the dresser, eyes sad. “Don’t play with my feelings, hyung.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin rears back, and it almost feel like he’s been slapped. “I’m not trying to, Huening-ah.”</p><p class="p1">The words build at the base of his throat, tap out the rhythm of his heart against the tip of his tongue. Kai deserves to know, Kai deserves better.</p><p class="p1">“So why are you here?” Kai asks.</p><p class="p1">“Because I want to be,” Soobin whispers, and in that moment he knows it to be singularly, whole-heartedly true. “Because I almost lost you, Kai, and I can’t bear to lose sight of you. I don’t know what I’d do if I really did lose you.”</p><p class="p1">Kai folds his arms, gripping the sleeves of his favourite ratty hoodie and curling in on himself.</p><p class="p1">“Why’re you making this so hard?” Kai asks, voice small.</p><p class="p1">“If I could,” Soobin says, emboldened. “I’d bring you out on all the dates. I’d bring you to the best bakeries in the city, and treat you to the fanciest dinners. I’d bring you to the theatres and eat shitty popcorn with you, and I’d kiss you every morning and every night, and I’d even make disaster pancakes with you for breakfast.”</p><p class="p1">“Hey! The pancakes weren’t <em>that</em> bad,” Kai interjects breathlessly.</p><p class="p1">“The thing is — if the media caught us,” Soobin continues. “Or if anyone did, really, I’d probably lose my job. And you might lose yours too.”</p><p class="p1">“What if I changed that?” Kai says, setting his mouth into a firm line. “What if I did something crazy?”</p><p class="p1">“Uh, I’d highly discourage that,” Soobin says.</p><p class="p1">“Why should I live my career in fear when I should be going out there and taking the first step?” Kai’s leaning forward now, determination like fire in his eyes.</p><p class="p1">Soobin swallows. “What — what are you planning?”</p><p class="p1">Kai flashes Soobin a mischievous look, before turning back around to his creams. “You’ll see.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Los Angeles is their last stop in the US, and it so happens to be their biggest as well. They’re only halfway through the concert but Soobin’s already feeling the impact of being three men short, so by the time his performance with Kai rolls around and he climbs onstage, Soobin’s feeling rather disgruntled and worse for wear.</p><p class="p1">“This is our last concert in America,” Kai says in English, a little stilted into the microphone. “So we planned something a little different for you guys.”</p><p class="p1">What?</p><p class="p1">Then Kai picks up his guitar, which appears to have materialised from nothingness, and gestures for Soobin to sit on one of the two bar stools that have been set up on centre stage.</p><p class="p1">Suspiciously, Soobin sits.</p><p class="p1">Kai murmurs: “I’ve been working on this song since last year, but this is my first time performing it, so —please bear with me.” The fans cheer encouragingly. “Uh, this song’s dedicated to someone very important to me... take a guess?” Kai tilts his head towards Soobin, and the fans <em>scream</em>.</p><p class="p1">Kai laughs shyly.</p><p class="p1">Oh.</p><p class="p1">Oh, god.</p><p class="p1">Soobin catches sight of his own face, projected on one of the gigantic screens behind Kai, and — yeah. He looks ridiculously wary, but can he really be blamed when he knows, just <em>knows</em>, what Kai’s about to do?</p><p class="p1">Kai strums the opening chords, now achingly familiar, and starts to sing. His eyes find Soobin’s, holding his gaze, and the lights shining on Kai sparkle brilliantly off his face, like billions of tiny gemstones have been sprinkled across his skin. The fans’ cheers fall away as the spotlights home in on just Kai and Soobin, and it’s almost as though they’re alone again, back in that hotel room in the heart of New York City. With every strum of his fingers, the collar of Kai’s black satin shirt slips distractingly down, and a few particularly stubborn strands of hair curl across Kai’s eyes, and Soobin’s fingers twitch with the urge to reach up and brush them away the way he’s so used to doing.</p><p class="p1">Soobin doesn’t have to look at the screen to know his face is a violent red, especially when Kai reaches the chorus:</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>How do I draw the line </em>
  <br/>
  <em>When you’re next to me every night?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>How do I draw the line</em>
  <br/>
  <em>When I can’t have you, but want to?</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>How do I draw the line</em>
  <br/>
  <em>When you chase my nightmares with light?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>How do I draw the line</em>
  <br/>
  <em>When you fill my days with mights? </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The song had ended here when Kai sang it to him in New York, but clearly that wasn’t the finished song, because Kai continues on to sing:</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>You see, honey </em>
  <br/>
  <em>Here’s the line</em>
  <br/>
  <em>We crossed it once </em>
  <br/>
  <em>Can we cross it again?</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Can we go</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Between the lines?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Can we go </em>
  <br/>
  <em>Where you can be mine? </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Kai’s eyes pierce right through him, and Soobin can’t bring himself to look away — would probably die trying, because Kai is utterly mesmerising and so, so devastating.</p><p class="p1">When the song ends, Kai holding the last note like he never wants it to end, sweet and crystalline and so full of the same longing that fills Soobin, there’s a poignant silence, like all the fans are holding their breath the same way Soobin’s holding his.</p><p class="p1">Soobin’s palms are drenched with nervous anticipation.</p><p class="p1">“The thing is,” Kai says, switching to English, and even though he’s barely speaking above a whisper, his voice comes through loud and clear, “So many of us in Korea sing about love, about the joy of loving someone who loves you back, but most of the time we’re lying. We’re not allowed to date. We’re not allowed to do a lot of things. But most importantly, we’re not allowed to love who we want to.”</p><p class="p1">Fuck. Soobin stands up. He knows where Kai’s going with this.</p><p class="p1">“I wanna change that,” Kai continues. He pauses, and it looks like he’s taking a deep breath. “The truth is — the truth is, I like boys.”</p><p class="p1">Is he <em>crazy</em>?</p><p class="p1">He is. He <em>is</em> crazy. Soobin had already established that in Dallas, how could he have forgotten?</p><p class="p1">Soobin stalks over to where Kai’s sitting, just a few metres away, hands outreached to — to, god, he doesn’t know. Rip the mic away? Cover Kai’s mouth with his palm? It’s too late.</p><p class="p1">“I like boys, and I’m not ashamed of it,” Kai continues, eyeing Soobin warily. “So what if I want to date in public? So what if I’m gay?”</p><p class="p1">Soobin stops in front of Kai, unsure where to put his hands or what to do, so he just settles for placing a hand on Kai’s shoulder, sighing internally and sweeping the audience. It’s too late to stop Kai, so the least he can do is support him and protect him from any crazy, homophobic fans in the moshpit.</p><p class="p1">“So what if I’m in love with my bodyguard?” Kai finishes, quietly, and beneath his fingers Soobin feels Kai shaking.</p><p class="p1">The fans scream in response, so loud Soobin can barely hear the way his brain explodes into utter disbelief.</p><p class="p1">“Kai,” Soobin says, staring down at Kai in shock. “What —“</p><p class="p1">Taehyun’s voice suddenly crackles into Soobin’s in-ear. “Uh, boss, Beomgyu says you’re to remove Kai from the stage ASAP.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m in love with Soobin,” Kai continues, and his declaration echoes across the stadium. “And everyone should be allowed to love who they want to. Idol or not. Same sex or not.”</p><p class="p1">There’s some static, and then Beomgyu’s voice floods Soobin’s in-ear: “Soobinie, I swear to god, if you don’t stop Kai right now —“</p><p class="p1">Soobin touches his responder. “I’m probably already fired, anyway,” he says, dry, and then he takes the hand Kai offers to him, and lets Kai pull him into a hug.</p><p class="p1">“I know I’ve crossed the line,” Kai says, switching back to Korean. “Will you cross it with me?” He whispers it straight into Soobin’s ear, just for him to hear. No mics. No songs. Just a raw, honest question.</p><p class="p1">Soobin closes his eyes, ignores Beomgyu yelling into his ear, ignores the fans going into hysteria around them, and replies: “Yeah. Yes, Hueningie. Yes.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">To his immense surprise, he isn’t fired.</p><p class="p1">His salary does get cut in half, though, which he supposes is only fair, given that it’s no longer required of him to guard Kai around the clock.</p><p class="p1">“Tell me you’re not sleeping with him tonight,” Beomgyu says, crossing his arms and swivelling around in his desk chair.</p><p class="p1">Soobin raises both hands in the air, palms upturned in the middle of Beomgyu’s hotel room. “I’ll choose where I want to spend the night, Beomgyu.”</p><p class="p1">“This might be okay in LA,” Beomgyu says, fuming. “But the moment we return to Seoul, we’re <em>doomed</em>.”</p><p class="p1">“Maybe Kai’s right,” Soobin says. “Maybe we do need to change the conversation, make it so we <em>won’t</em> be doomed.”</p><p class="p1">“PR’s already on it,” Beomgyu says, sighing. He rubs a hand down his face. “I know where you’re coming from, Soobinie. It’s just — so many of us have poured so much work into building Kai up, you know? The back-up dancers. The trainers. The producers. Even the make-up noonas. That little stunt he pulled onstage — it doesn’t just affect the two of you. It affects all of us in Big Hit too. If Kai goes down, we all go down with him.”</p><p class="p1">“There’s always gonna be another idol to debut,” Soobin reminds Beomgyu. “If Kai goes down, you know Bang PD will just replace him.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Like Yeonjun.</em> It goes unspoken.</p><p class="p1">“I know,” Beomgyu sighs. “But we both know we love Kai too much to want to see him replaced.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Soobin says. “Yeah. But what’s done is done. You take care of upper management, ‘kay? I’ve got unfinished business to take care of.”</p><p class="p1">“Unfinished business, please,” Beomgyu says, rolling his eyes. “Go have fun with your lover boy.”</p><p class="p1">“I’ll talk to him,” Soobin says. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t pull any stunts like what he did tonight again. I promise.”</p><p class="p1">“You’d better,” Beomgyu says. “Or Bang PD’ll have my head, and I promise it won’t be a pretty sight — no matter how pretty my face is.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin rolls his eyes, and takes his leave.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Kai’s already cocooned in bed by the time Soobin slips into his room.</p><p class="p1">“Where’ve you <em>been</em>?” Kai whines, muffled from his half-assed attempt to speak through two layers of comforter and duvet. He’s left the bedside lamps on, so the room’s flooded in warm gold. Soobin can barely make out Kai’s hair, strewn across his pillow.</p><p class="p1">“Getting fired,” Soobin says, toeing his shoes off.</p><p class="p1">Kai scrambles up and nearly trips out of bed. “<em>What?</em>”</p><p class="p1">“Kidding,” Soobin says, laughing. “Beomgyu chewed me out in his room for half an hour, so I promised him I’d make sure you’ll be on your best behaviour until Big Hit comes up with a plan of action.”</p><p class="p1">“You can’t make me behave,” Kai says obstinately, standing barefooted by his bed, fingers clutching the covers and hair a tangled mess.</p><p class="p1">“Really?” Soobin says, advancing. “Can’t I?”</p><p class="p1">He stops right in front of Kai, and Kai visibly swallows.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah. You can’t,” Kai whispers.</p><p class="p1">Soobin removes the covers from Kai’s hands, flings it back on the bed, and backs Kai to the wall.</p><p class="p1">“Say that again,” Soobin says, and he lets his voice go authoritative.</p><p class="p1">Kai’s eyes darken. “You’re not the boss of me.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin presses Kai to the wall and kisses him hard. Kisses him the way he’s always wanted to, since the first day he met Kai. Since the first time he watched Kai perform onstage. Since the first time he watched Kai cry. Since the first time Kai told him <em>I don’t ever want you to get hurt</em>, and the first time they shared a bed, and the first time he almost lost Kai.</p><p class="p1">He kisses Kai like they’re running out of time, tongue curling around Kai’s with all the urgency of his long pent-up desire; then he kisses Kai like they have all the time in the world, because now they do. When he draws away, Kai’s eyes are unfocused and his lips are wet and bruised.</p><p class="p1">“How about now?” Soobin murmurs.</p><p class="p1">“... what about now?” Kai asks, dazed.</p><p class="p1">“Still think I can’t make you behave?” Soobin asks.</p><p class="p1">Kai’s eyes snap up to Soobin’s. “Oh. Not at all,” he says.</p><p class="p1">Soobin takes a step back and runs a hand through his hair. “No kisses then.”</p><p class="p1">Kai doesn’t move from the wall. He blinks slowly. “What?”</p><p class="p1">“No kisses until you promise me you’ll behave.”</p><p class="p1">“Hyung,” Kai whines.</p><p class="p1">Soobin shrugs his suit jacket off, then starts unbuttoning his shirt. “I’m gonna take a shower.”</p><p class="p1">“Soobinie.”</p><p class="p1">“Getting presumptuous, are we?” Soobin teases, throwing his shirt to the floor and starting work on his belt buckle.</p><p class="p1">“Fine,” Kai growls, stalking towards Soobin. “I’ll behave.” Then he takes Soobin by the waist and shoves him into their bed.</p><p class="p1">“Not sure I’d call this well-behaved,” Soobin says breathlessly, all the air knocked from his lungs as Kai crawls over his legs, his hips, his chest, before settling himself down on Soobin.</p><p class="p1">“I’ll behave out of bed,” Kai says, and then he’s leaning down and meeting Soobin in a scorching kiss. Soobin runs his hands appreciatively up and down Kai’s torso, tangling his fingers through his hair, and then sliding his hands all the way back down to his ass.</p><p class="p1">“Mm,” Kai moans, grinding down, and Soobin gasps.</p><p class="p1">“Off,” he growls, tugging at Kai’s hoodie, and Kai sits up, lets Soobin pull the hoodie (his favourite hoodie, the blue one with the holes in the shoulder) off, and — wow, he’s not wearing anything underneath — and then they go still.</p><p class="p1">Kai sits back and runs his hands, torturously slow, across Soobin’s chest. His pecs. His abs. Then back up again, sweeping around to his shoulders.</p><p class="p1">“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this,” Kai says, throatily.</p><p class="p1">Soobin swallows, and Kai’s dark, dark eyes follow the movement of his throat.</p><p class="p1">In the yellow lamp light, Kai looks like one of Soobin’s deepest, darkest wet dreams. His hair’s a mess from Soobin’s hands (he did that), his lips are kiss-swollen and bruised (he did that), his eyes are bright his cheeks are flushed his chest is heaving from breathlessness. There’s so much — <em>skin</em>, the planes of his chest golden and smooth and right there for him to look, to touch, to kiss.</p><p class="p1">Kai looks like sin.</p><p class="p1">“Annoying,” Soobin murmurs, shuddering when Kai drags his thumbs over Soobin’s nipples.</p><p class="p1">“More kisses?” Kai asks, using his aegyo voice, lips quirked in a cutesy grin, fuck, Kai is such a conniving <em>brat</em>. “Promise I’ll be good for Beomgyu.”</p><p class="p1">“It’s for your own good,” Soobin says, thumbing Kai’s cheek, then he surges forward and knocks Kai off his lap, pushing him down against the bed.</p><p class="p1">He lands above Kai, cages him in with his elbows and presses hard against him from the waist down. The cheeky grin slides off Kai’s face, replaced by lidded eyes and parted lips, curled into a smug smile. </p><p class="p1">Kai’s tongue sneaks out, swipes a distracting line across his lips, and Soobin — Soobin does what any sane person would do. He kisses him. He kisses and kisses and kisses him, and Kai moans into his mouth, wrapping his legs around Soobin’s waist and arching his back off the bed. Soobin finds himself trailing his hands down Kai’s bare chest, his waist, sliding them up Kai’s back, heaving him closer still, bending down into him. He traces the knobs along Kai’s spine with his hands. Palms the smooth, overheated skin of Kai’s shoulders. Wraps his arms around Kai’s back so he’s cradling him, almost, and kisses Kai hard. Harder. Deeper, wetter, tongue down his throat — Kai won’t stop making these <em>noises</em>, noises that drive Soobin wild, noises that makes him want to do things he’s never dared to imagine, things he’s only ever dreamed about on nights Kai hugs him a little too closely in bed, lips a little too close to his skin.</p><p class="p1">Then Kai rolls his hips up against Soobin again, and this time Soobin doesn’t pull away. Can’t bring himself to, can’t fucking resist the temptation of grinding his hips back against Kai’s. He can feel Kai through his sweatpants, a hard line of searing heat that sends shockwaves of pleasure straight through his every nerve-ending.</p><p class="p1">“Hyung,” Kai gasps into their kiss, broken and tinged with need, “hyung, please, please —“</p><p class="p1">Soobin thinks he might die.</p><p class="p1">Distantly, through the roar of blood rushing through his ears, Soobin registers Kai pleading: <em>harder, faster, please, hyung, I need more</em>, then he snaps back to reality when Kai sneaks his hands to the front of Soobin’s pants, pulling his already unbuckled belt free and tugging at the zipper.</p><p class="p1">“Huening-ah,” Soobin says, breaking away, voice hoarse, “Are you sure —“</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Kai says, breathless, sliding his hands into Soobin’s pants, cupping his erection over his briefs — fuck, <em>fuck</em> — Soobin thinks his brain might actually short-circuit. “Yeah, hyung, yeah.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin sits up, chucking his pants off. He takes the opportunity to pull Kai’s sweatpants off too, and then he stops short.</p><p class="p1">“Fuck, Kai,” he says, because Kai’s so hard there’s already a wet patch on his stupid Star Wars briefs, and Soobin — Soobin has never wanted anyone so badly in his entire life.</p><p class="p1">“Stop staring and kiss me,” Kai says, bossy as ever, and Soobin obliges, sliding up Kai’s body until their erections rest hot against each other, and leaning down to meet Kai in a wet, open-mouthed kiss.</p><p class="p1">“Oh,” Kai breathes, when Soobin rolls their hips together, slowly, cautiously. “Oh, <em>fuck</em>.”</p><p class="p1">And then Kai’s gripping Soobin by the shoulders, fingernails cutting into his skin, and rutting against him, insistent and rough and mindblowingly hot. His lips fall apart to pant into Soobin’s, like he can’t help it, and Soobin lets him, lets him lose himself in it, in the pleasure, the heat between their bodies as they move in perfect synchrony.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Soobin gasps, leaning down to mouth wet kisses down Kai’s neck, grinding hard and fast into Kai. “Yeah. Feel good, Hueningie? You like it?”</p><p class="p1">Kai moans his affirmation in response, hips stuttering, and then he says, frantic: “Wait, wait, stop.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin freezes.</p><p class="p1">“What?” Soobin says, and his mind’s already running a million miles ahead. “You okay?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, no, sorry,” Kai breathes, closing his eyes and tipping his head back against the pillow. “Sorry. I was — near. I didn’t wanna — not yet. Not so soon.”</p><p class="p1"><em>Fuck</em>.</p><p class="p1">Soobin hadn’t been close, but hearing <em>that</em> from Kai’s mouth sends him teetering dangerously near the edge.</p><p class="p1">“Can — can I touch you?” Kai asks, peeking his eyes open, and he’s gone from excruciatingly sexy to painfully shy. “Just —“ His fingers flutter over the waistband of Soobin’s briefs.</p><p class="p1">Soobin thinks he might just explode, right there and then.</p><p class="p1">“Y-yeah,” Soobin stutters.</p><p class="p1">Kai slides Soobin’s briefs off, fingers warm against Soobin’s thighs. Then he trails his fingers back up, teasing the lines from hipbone to crotch, and Soobin’s hips jerk unsteadily of their own accord.</p><p class="p1">“Kai,” Soobin growls.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah?” Kai asks breathlessly.</p><p class="p1">“Stop fucking teasing me,” Soobin says, and when Kai’s fingers wrap around his cock, he sees stars.</p><p class="p1">Then Kai starts jerking him off in earnest, hand sliding hot and smooth down the length of his cock, and Soobin — Soobin nearly collapses. He lets his head fall onto the pillow next to Kai, breathing hard, and — god, Kai’s fingers work him like magic, pulls sounds from Soobin that he never knew he was capable of producing.</p><p class="p1">“You’re so hot, hyung,” Kai murmurs, and then he does a wicked little flick with his wrist, sending shockwaves of pleasure through Soobin’s spine and milking a spurt of precome from Soobin’s dick.</p><p class="p1">“Fuck, <em>fuck</em>, Kai,” Soobin gasps, almost too blissed out to think straight. Before he can completely lose his mind, he pulls Kai’s briefs down in a single swift motion, and then he returns the favour, curling fingers around Kai’s cock and stroking him as quickly as Kai’s pumping him.</p><p class="p1">“Oh,” Kai says, voice going high pitched and hand stuttering around Soobin’s dick. “Oh my god.”</p><p class="p1">“You’re so hard, baby,” Soobin marvels. Kai is <em>throbbing</em> in his hand, and when he swipes a thumb over the head of Kai’s cock, Kai arches off the bed and nearly knocks him off.</p><p class="p1">“Please,” Kai whimpers. “Please.”</p><p class="p1">“What?” Soobin asks. “What is it?”</p><p class="p1">“Together,” Kai gasps. “I want your cock on mine.”</p><p class="p1">And perhaps between the two of them Soobin really is the more well-behaved one, because he obediently lines his cock against Kai, velvety smooth and hot — so fucking <em>hot</em> — and grasps them both in one hand, his fingers barely large enough to encompass both of them together.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, yeah,” Kai breathes, eyes closing again, eyelashes fluttering, mouth slack. “Move, hyung, <em>please</em>.”</p><p class="p1">“So demanding,” Soobin growls, but he obeys, stroking his hand slow at first, then spitting into his palm and stroking them off fast, twisting at every upstroke.</p><p class="p1">Kai mewls, clutching at Soobin’s back, shaking, falling apart under Soobin’s touch, and Soobin kisses him, kisses him hard. He’s jerking them off at the kind of speed Soobin usually uses to bring himself to the edge, and familiar heat pools like molten lava at the base of his stomach, and then Kai starts rocking his hips, fucking into Soobin’s palm. He’s making little <em>ah-ah</em> noises now, shamelessly loud and it feels so good, so fucking good — it’s better than Soobin’s every forbidden wet dream, better than anything Soobin’s ever imagined — to have Kai coming undone under him, cheeks flushed lips red hickeys littering his skin. Kai’s beautiful, and Soobin’s suddenly struck with the intense desire to tell him.</p><p class="p1">“You’re so fucking beautiful, Kai,” Soobin whispers. “How did I get so lucky?”</p><p class="p1">“How did I?” Kai replies, eyes sliding open to meet Soobin’s gaze. “Hyung, I — I really, really —“</p><p class="p1">“I love you too,” Soobin finishes, curling down to press a sweet, soft kiss to Kai’s lips, a stark contrast to the way they’re both fucking into Soobin’s fist, and then Kai’s head is falling back, hips jerking uncontrollably, moaning so loudly Soobin’s terrified their neighbours will hear. Then he comes, cock jerking, in hot, white stripes against his own skin.</p><p class="p1">Fuck.</p><p class="p1">Soobin strokes Kai through his orgasm, milking every last drop as Kai shakes and shudders in ecstasy.</p><p class="p1">“Ah, hyung,” Kai breathes, when he finally comes to. “It’s your turn.”</p><p class="p1">“What —“ Soobin starts, and then Kai’s flipping them both over and sliding down his body until his face is right above Soobin’s cock. “Kai —“</p><p class="p1">“Can I?” Kai asks. Soobin’s brain tries its best to recalibrate fast, but Kai doesn’t wait for Soobin to respond before he wraps his lips around the head of Soobin’s cock and goes down on him, a warm, wet, unbelievably hot slide down the length of his throbbing arousal.</p><p class="p1">“What the <em>fuck</em>, Kai,” Soobin gasps, craning his head to look at Kai. Oh, god. Bad idea. Kai looks like something out of a porno, red lips wrapped glistening around his dick. “Who even — taught you —“ Then Kai does a <em>fantastic</em> thing with his tongue, and Soobin‘s completely blindsided when he orgasms, vision going blotchy as he comes down Kai’s throat.</p><p class="p1">By the time Soobin finally comes down from the high of having what feels like his life sucked out from his dick, Kai’s all cuddled up to his side.</p><p class="p1">“How was it?” Kai asks, blinking innocently.</p><p class="p1">“Your behaviour has been deeply deplorable,” Soobin tells Kai, head still swimming.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, no,” Kai says. “Perhaps I need punishing.”</p><p class="p1">Soobin quirks a smile in response, tucking a stray lock of hair behind Kai’s ear. “Perhaps. I’m well-versed in the art of spanking.”</p><p class="p1">“Do they teach you that in bodyguard school too?” Kai looks honestly interested.</p><p class="p1">“That, and tying people up.”</p><p class="p1">Now Kai just looks interested for all the wrong reasons.</p><p class="p1">“None of that unless you promise me you’ll be good. No more stunts like what you did during the concert,” Soobin says, tapping Kai on the nose. </p><p class="p1">“I’ll be an angel,” Kai promises.</p><p class="p1">“Good,” Soobin says, stretching. “Now. I really need to take that shower.”</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” Kai says, and Soobin makes it all the way to the shower before Kai slips in behind him and wraps his arms around Soobin’s waist, nuzzling his neck.</p><p class="p1">“What did I say about being good?” Soobin asks.</p><p class="p1">“I’ll be good to you,” Kai says, husky, and drops a kiss to Soobin’s bare shoulder.</p><p class="p1">Soobin bites back a smile.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">They wrap up Kai’s tour in the US, and then they’re off to Europe, and the rest of Asia. Unsurprisingly, upper management cancels their stages together, but, very surprisingly, Kai receives an honestly overwhelming amount of support for coming out. #SOOKAI trends on Twitter for <em>four entire days</em>.</p><p class="p1">Soobin suspects the support has been helped along very substantially by the enthusiastically positive coverage that Kai’s little stunt seems to be getting with the Western media. There is, of course, some online backlash, and some of Kai's sponsors have pulled their deals, but it’s minute compared to the protective (almost aggressive) approval of Kai's fans and the tidal wave of interest from more progressive brands asking for sponsored partnerships. </p><p class="p1">When they finally touch down to Seoul, it’s almost winter, and the snow rolls crisp beneath the tires of their sorely-missed company van.</p><p class="p1">“Will you escort me up?” Kai asks, when they pull up to Kai’s apartment building, after months and months of pulling up to hotels in foreign countries.</p><p class="p1">“Certainly,” Soobin says. “I doubt you’ll be able to carry your three luggages and two duffel bags by yourself.”</p><p class="p1">“I can too,” Kai protests. </p><p class="p1">Soobin raises an eyebrow. “Knock yourself out.”</p><p class="p1">It doesn’t take long for Kai to concede defeat, and when they finally make it to Kai’s front door, Kai has ‘accidentally’ rolled his luggage over Soobin’s foot about three dozen times.</p><p class="p1">Soobin helps to push Kai’s three luggages and two duffel bags into his apartment, and then there’s a — moment. A weird moment, where they just kind of hover around each other, Soobin with one foot out the front door, mouth open to say good night, because — because, well.</p><p class="p1">Where’s the line between bodyguard and boyfriend?</p><p class="p1">“Do you want to, um,” Kai starts, nibbling on his bottom lip.</p><p class="p1">“Thought you’d never ask,” Soobin says, grinning and stepping back in. He barely waits for the front door to close before he tips Kai into his couch, laughing, and draws their mouths together in a kiss, and — and it kind of feels like he's finally home.</p><p class="p1">
  <strong>End.</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>bodyguard boyfriend soob, yes please </p><p>this fic went from 3 to 5 to 6 chapters, wow. thank you everyone for sitting this one out with me &lt;3 as always, your comments make my day!!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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